The hole just got deeper.

Today I realised how big the hole I am sat in, has become.

For some reason I have a habit of turning up to exams just "on time". Maybe this is associated with my feelings of not wanting to be there, but today I had a valid reason! (Like always of course). Anyway I loudly made my presence felt and was a bit annoyed to see that everyone seemed to be covering their seat number, so I didn't know where the heck to start looking. (Hmm, that seems a good reason to be on time).

I woke up at 3am like intended, and faffed around a lot. My throat is honestly causing me a lot of problems, but some of my voice returned today. I shouldn't talk you see because that causes me more pain and then the throat goes worse again. But me... not talk? You must be joking! I was sick this morning too, but that's because I'm under the weather--not the exams. (It wasn't very pleasant might I add). I am in such a mood that I could carry on describing its unpleasantness and its exact form, shape etc. However, a bruising arm reminds me that some people tend to say "eww shut up" very quickly, and proceed to give me "the look". I'm going to wait till they're all eating... you just wait and see. (Well I'm going to make sure that I there are no obstacles for my escape first... some people can be rather dangerous when in that "ew" mood.)

Anyway, how do I feel now. Numb. Numb is good though, for it is keeping the wave of panic that is to due to come because of tomorrows exam, away from me for now. I don't like discrete maths any more. I don't like the fact that we only got 2 hours for the exam and I didn't manage to finish the paper. Sod's law had to have its way and the minute I understood what to do, time was up. I just managed to start drawing my graph.

I am just in a weird and lost mood. This hole is very deep I'll have you know. I should have done enough to pass (pft), but I really want to know what I got in my coursework. I haven't done as well I wanted to have you see and this numb feeling is beginning to go! I don't like maths any more. I don't like exams. I don't like sitting in this hole, watching all my expectations fall right beneath me. There is very little I can do now, which isn't very reassuring. I deserve every single bit of this punishment, but where is that hopeful part that exists within me, always praying that I might have done enough? "Hello--I need you!" Perhaps that has gone numb too?

The thoughts "how thick can someone be" (because of my stupid mistakes) are very depressing. I annoyed my neighbour, but I did apologise at the end. Perhaps the should let me sit exams in isloation, so I can peacefully talk to myself? And what is the university's problem with having exam halls with horrible lighting? That really irks me (I'm angry now). My revision is done with the lamp on and the bedroom light on too, even if its a sunny day. I need the light to be as bright as possible. The light in the exam hall puts me to sleep and my head starts groaning.

Hmm. This happens to me every year. Or perhaps I always need something to whinge about? Possibly. Anyway, of to bed I go now; and I will wake in 4.5 hours and then revise geometry section 3 and do all the problem sheets till 9:45am tomorrow. Impossible is nothing I tell you, but the chances of this hole going even more deeper is very high.

I shouldn't be allowed out of this in this mood. If you ever want an excuse to do some dumb (or you want to do something dumb and need an excuse to do it) have 3 hours sleep and your job is done. Good night.

Rules for Public Transport

The following rules were found in an interesting book (from my Dad's bookshelf) which also brought back memories of my rant on public transport. (I have to take this opportunity and thank the anonymous commenter who told me to relax a little with sticking explanation marks everywhere, for all I could see in that post were explanation marks!)

This a list of unwritten rules (with my comments) that are followed rigidly when faced with crowded situations such as a packed lift or public transport:

1) You are not permitted to speak to anyone, including a person you know.

This depends on the situation actually, and how many people are nearby and the sound level of the surroundings. I hate it when I sometimes see a long lost person on a train, and they end up quizzing me on my whole life story in front of a full and quiet carriage. That is why a book or magazine can be pretty useful!

2) You must avoid eye contact with others at all time. [Try to get window seat--that helps!]

3) You are to maintain a "poker face" -- no emotion is permitted to be displayed.

Well the alternative to this is to always have a bemused expression on your face, or think of something funny which leaves a loopy grin on your face. Trust me--that really freaks people out and they stay away from you! Just don't be too crazy so someone complains about you.

4) If you have a book or newspaper, you must appear to be deeply engrossed in it.

If you have a maths book you score bonus points! From personal experiences, bringing a maths book/work out of your bag has two main effects on people: they either shy away from you into a ball, hence giving you have more leg room; or they sit glaring at you which gives you even more satisfaction. *cue evil laugh* You could even get a third interested and curious person, which means you have won the lottery (woohoo). For this means that whilst you talk to this person about complex numbers and how fantastic maths is, the whole carriage can possibly faint or want to strangle you. If you are even luckier someone else might join in the conversation, and then the rest of the train will definitely be having nightmares.

Note if you are having a thick maths day, this can also boost your confidence. (Not that I would know anything about this of course... ;-) )

5) The bigger the crowd, the less the movement you are permitted to make.

6) In elevators, you are compelled to watch the floor numbers above your head.

If like myself you are still growing up, you could do something that might annoy the people in the lift with you. Say you're at floor N and want to go to floor B. First press M on the panel, and then when the lift stops there say "doh-I meant floor L" and proceed to press that button. At floor L, have another doh moment, but this time in a flustered manner look through your bag for your diary. Find the real floor you are after and then apologise the people in the lift and say "ah, it's floor E" and press E. They will probably be shaking their heads at you at this moment, or getting ready to throttle you. Continue to look apologetic and then just before it gets to floor E have a look at your phone. After studying it loudly exclaim "damn-now they tell me" and continue shaking your head and looking annoyed. At floor E, press the button to close the doors as soon as it stops and make sure you are looking very mad. Then you have completed your job and exit the lift at floor B.

Sweet. I haven't actually ever tried that but it seems a great way to annoy people. (I don't think there is anything wrong in thinking about ways to annoy people, but some people always seem to be annoyed). What I did used to do was, when going up or down the lift in the mss building, I would press the button of the floor we had just passed! (The Tweenies and Dr. C did try to make me behave on one occasion, but the only time I stopped doing this when the lift itself spoke to me.) Maybe it was a good thing that I made the decision to walk to n-floor instead of taking the lift!

(This seems like an evil little post, but I can assure you (with my fingers uncrossed) I'm a nice ickle bean! Honestly... ask my PTs. I'm just getting a bit annoyed with discrete maths, that's all.)

A Dangerous Game.

The Geometry exam will have four questions; each on the four sections of the course. The exam format is as follows: Answer three questions, and if you attempt all four, your best three will be chosen.

What game have I elected to play? I'm only going to revise three sections of the course material of course! I honestly haven't got the time to revise all four sections for Tuesday (I have an exam on Monday you see). I am still slowly going through the second section, which I have to complete today. (Integration of differential forms here I come!)

My revision is slow because section 2 was the time when I "zoned out" a lot, namely because I got confused from the first lecture and didn't bother trying to make sense of things. The chapter is on differential forms and I had already come across such things in calculus. However in calculus we were just given a form alpha and told "this is a k-form" etc. (I would write the form but I do not have the time). Whereas in geometry all of a sudden the words tangent vectors, real valued function, tangent space etc came up and left me to wait for the next bus. (The next bus only came today I must say!!)

Yes, I think I finally understand the first lecture on section two now. I didn't dwell too long on the notation in the previous post and won't be returning to it. When I get to two forms I will be in familiar ground, and then integration is nice once we have closed forms. (Yes, I'm afraid there's a lot of unexplained mathematical jargon in this post, which I don't like doing but "one day it might be explained"!)

The point is though, that today I should finish section two (hopefully!) and then tomorrow I will I finish learning the course material for discrete maths (planar graphs, graph colouring and whatever else there is!) So on Monday morning at 3am I will I do the problem sheets (for the first time this year) for Discrete maths. The exam should finish by lunch time, after which I will come home and revise (understand) the whole of section 3 for geometry. Then on Tuesday 3am do the problem sheets for geometry (some for the first time on this occasion!) The exam will finish by lunch time again, after which I will SLEEP!

Hmm, on paper that looks impossible to me (given the amount of learning that I have to do in such a short period) but out with that negative thinking!

The plan of revising the first three sections only, no longer seems as dangerous a thing as I had first predicted. Namely, because the horrible paragraph mentioning my "proposed plan" sounds horrific in comparison.

"Let me just ask James... my Calculus book"

Is it just me or does everyone end up referring to their books by who the author is? I was sitting talking to myself (whilst trying to make sense of horrible notation) and found myself saying,

"Lets see what James says on this--he always know what to say!"

After which I proceeded to hunt my calculus book from the shelf, and find the required chapter. (You have heard of James before in case you were wondering!)

That means I have James, Peter, Hilary, Ian and on the list goes, sitting in my room waiting for me to consult them. Cool. (I do the same when consulting my lecture notes too...)

Anyway, don't throw anything at me yet I will return to my revision soon! (I'm on a tea break...) I am the horrible, annoying person who wants to understand the concepts (as opposed to trying to just concentrate on being able to answer the questions) which is why I struggling through the following passage. Let me know if you can make sense of it:

James did help, but his notation is "nicer" and different. I am wasting too long in trying to make sense of five lines, I know, but old habits die hard. (Ouch--that's an old saying!)

How mad are you?

Excuse the very lame title. I couldn't think of anything "cool". (That word seems to cling on to me nowadays...). I suppose I can be forgiven because it is my second post today! The quote below is something which I found "nice". (Sometimes it is simple words like nice which say a lot.)

Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen.

John Le Carre

My voice has all but gone. Isn't it a shame that the year had to end when this marvellous thing was to happen? (Hehe, I'm quite glad that it went at a time when I am not really at university 9-5pm,because although croaking is painful, nothing stops me from talking! Don't tell my PTs though--they will be over the moon, especially Dr. C!) It will be back in a few days though--it has to return! (It's not that I miss hearing myself talk... but my throat hurts.)

At this moment in time I find it hard to forget my English teacher. She used to take great pleasure when my voice went, for she used to lose hers a lot too, and English teachers do have a lot to say!

This post wasn't meant to be about my voice (but as you have gathered I have yet to sleep!) There is a lot of thinking going on in my head (not about my exams I'm afraid though), which I will be sharing with any readers soon. Why not now? Well one can of worms at a time, is what I always say! (Damn--that's another Shrek-ish quote.)

I will be doing the Student Associates Scheme (SAS) straight after my exams (DAMN), and you'll also be hearing more about that too. From now on I will always write SAS (looks more.... cooler?), but this summer is going to be make or break for me in terms of where I am headed mathematically. A PGCE (Post graduate certificate in Education) or MMaths (a masters) is what's on the table at the moment. I will open part of the can now, for I want to develop this thought process slowly (and painfully).

My holiday did one thing good for me. It made me realise that I enjoy mathematics. Prior to the Easter break I was in a state of confusion. I was disliking my modules and thought that I no longer liked maths. This wasn't very good. Indeed, during one Galois Group lecture I even felt like a fraud--you know, trying to generate this community feeling but not being sure of whether I should be within it myself. I felt that I was being hypocritical when I tried to persuade people to attend our lectures, or generally when I talked about maths amongst undergraduates. Consequently I used to zone out a lot more in lectures, didn't do any problem sheets, and just did the bare minimum to survive. There were times when I felt I had to pull my socks up and I did some studying, but it wasn't with the same energy that I know I have.

I was no longer studying mathematics, but just going through the motions of being a student. Nothing excited me any more and I felt that a fourth year was not for me, because already I had lost that ball of energy that carries me along. During this time I consulted my three PTs, and each reassured that me that a fourth year was within my means and I should consider it. (Well Prof. S has been saying this for ages, but now everyone was in the loop!) Once again, I had this fear that I was cheating the world, for inside I had had a falling out with mathematics that no one knew about.

Maybe this darkness came because I wasn't studying, but I can't really say, for even now I don't know what the heck is going round and round in my head. I want something to aim for if I am being honest. Aims and goals are very important in life, and whilst Noddy is aspiring to drive an Aston Martin one day, I am clueless. If you want the horrible, brutal truth I can't give it to you. There is this one thing which is not connected to mathematics in any form, but which I am desperate to have. Or is the correct word was? I'm confused about that now too! This is a "non-trivial" thing shall we say, and no one understands me when I say that I want to achieve this.

However, maybe I am being foolish but if I was to do a PGCE then it would be easier for me to get this thing. A PGCE would give me stability in life (in terms on money flow I suppose) which is neccessary for what I want. The stability has to be there. On the other hand, were I to do a masters then the thing I want(/ed?) the most will get pushed back into the queue. The more years I stay at university, the less stability I will have so my aspirations will have to pause.

That's the grown up way of looking at things. About money and stability. Me being the young fool I am seems to be overlooking many things--I don't like the grown up way, but it was brought to my attention and I have to be realistic. This confusion is sometimes annoying, but I am happy that I know that I enjoy mathematics. Although there isn't a topic which is "my cup of tea" and some of my modules have been erm... not very nice, I really enjoy that buzz I get. Well the buzz that returned!

When I was revising for my calculus exam I had them "wow" moments. It's not actually that bad a module, and I did enjoy it.

The questions are overflowing and I am unable to offer answers. For some people this would have been a trivial decision, but when have I ever claimed to have been normal? Most people can't understand why this is not a simple decision, but that is because they haven't heard the full story. It will all boil down to what I want the most. I have though, acknowledged the fact that if I was to do the masters, then now is the time to do it. Previously I was considering doing the PGCE and in the future coming back to university, but where's the fun in that? That might have never happened, and the people that make university a cool place for me now, might not be here too!

Now is my chance to do it, if I am ever to transfer.

So this is half a can of worms. Posts like this are a mostly a result of conversations that I have had during the day. Indeed, this is one is no different. All I am going to say is "touch wood that I don't lose this buzz for mathematics again"! I thought that I would write two posts today since I dare not blog during the weekend... I have to learn two modules in two days. Impossible. I don't know what I am going to do (apart from panic)! Did I ever mention that I like blogging? Not just blogging but writing. I guess it goes hand in hand with talking a lot...

PS: The mugs vote is tied... (you can still vote!)... so the IMA logo might have to go on them due to cost reasons. "They will not let me pay anything towards them" Pft. However, the IMA one isn't too bad, for having our logo and then the text with TGG mentioned is a bit silly. Well I did say I will think about this after my exams now, well next Friday, but you can still opine on this matter...

Hit and Run.

A cyclist was being cheeky today and tried to go through red lights. Actually I was blind and hadn't spotted the man, and in my hurry to cross the road all I remember hearing is the bike trying to come to a loud and quick stop. He didn't hit me in case you were wondering. But boy did he have to brake hard! (HA) I did my good deed of the day and informed him that it was a red light...

Well that's as far as I can go with making excuses for myself. Today I woke up at 2am, for revision of course because it was my first exam. I have been a very very bad student. I don't like it when people sometimes call me a "good student". That's the worlds biggest lie. I am no such thing. I am the worst of the worst possible student that can exist. Yes, I do admit to having an interest in learning, but when it comes to putting myself into the right gear I fail miserably.

The one thing that I used to do which you can say was "good" is that I tried to keep on top of the work during the year (did the problem sheets throughout the year as opposed to looking at them for the first time before the exam!) Hence revision was always revision--not learning the whole blimmin course in one day! That's the plain ugly truth. I'm a dead duck. Everyone "expects me to do well". I had such an expectation of myself too... once upon a time that is.

The exam was so and so. It should have been the exam that I did the best in, but sadly my master plan is not working. (I'm going to do very badly in geometry, algebra and logic you see, so the plan was to try and do the "bestest" in calculus"). Sigh. I'm not going to give the post mortem--I'm too tired. However I am not allowed to sleep. I had wanted to sleep at 3pm and then wake up at 11pm to "begin my Saturday" and revise Geometry. But alas, I have been warned to sleep at night and stay awake during the day. Of course that is the natural thing for one to do...

I have kicked myself three times in total due to the exam. It can be increased to four times, but my stupidity actually surprised me today! I didn't finish on time because I thought we were going to finish at "o'clock" so was faffing around taking my time. (We had started at 9:45pm and it was a two hour paper.) At 11:30 the woman (who was taking her job very seriously) announced that we had 15 minutes left! That's when I panicked slightly, but still my brain slept. Yes, on this occasion I hold my hand up and say that I should have woken up at 3pm instead of two. I am honestly like a zombie. An actual seven year old actually! (I was lying on the floor downstairs, not letting anyone get past me....) The advantages of sleeping on the floor, as were discussed today, is that I can park myself anywhere I like, and can fall asleep anywhere too.

I know you are probably thinking "floor--how can someone sleep on the floor?" But honestly, I was wondering how can people sleep on beds... yes, it is going to be a year since I threw my bed out!

So back to me being a bad student. (I can't apologise for the lack of any structure in this post, for the word structure itself is causing a pain in my temples.)

Do remember, children of all ages, you should learn from the bad examples in life. For example, if I was throw rubbish on the floor and get fined some money, you wouldn't copy me would you? In the same light, don't be like me and find yourself saying "next year it is going to be different--I am going to make sure that I study throughout the year". HA--how many times have we heard that before? This year has been very very very ... hectic, but I shouldn't have forgotten the reason as to why I am at university!! Yes--you would have probably forgotten had my blog not been titled "Me or My Maths".

Oh, and guess what this student is saying again. "I'm going to make sure that my summer holidays are productive." Another big sarcastic HA. (Yes, having had about three hours sleep, I have lost the very little maturity that I can claim to have ever had.)

The examiner is going to be very annoyed with my paper, namely because I wrote some silly teeny details out which were probably not needed. (And I need to stop writing sentences. Imagine reading something like one of posts when marking my exam paper... no seriously!)

Someone said to me three days ago, make sure you go to sleep on time otherwise you will become ill. Pfft, I had replied, sleep has nothing to do with it. The person went on to say "your mum is cool". That she is I agreed. Next thing you know, I have a smokers cough (i.e. I'm not feeling 100% well) and there is a misunderstanding between my mum and me, which results in NO lunch for me. I just hope that I don't lose my voice (it has been playing up today).

I wish I could stay away from that person but in Shrek style, "Like that's ever going to happen"! The alternative is to avoid talking about myself. Could this person jinx themselves?

Bring on Friday 23rd May 2008 4pm. No--my exams are not over then, but the horrible week (i.e. next week) will be over then. Why do I keep on getting Shrek quotes in my head? Maybe I should have slept when I came home, but there is no point now... or is there? So that's another whole day gone to waste for I can't revise given my heads current situation!

I better go and make a further nuisance of myself... what say you? Have I annoyed you enough... (unintentionally of course)! I want to do something extreme. The other day I had to climb over the wall to fetch the ball. Actually I volunteered myself, namely because I wanted to see how accidental I could make it look if I was to accidentally fall.. Relax! That was the lowest point of my week, when I was looking for ways out of sitting my exams. (I was being encouraged by a bad crowd-- it's not my fault!) Anyway, when I realised that I will have to sit the exams in the summer I changed my mind.

Why does it feel like the uncontrollable seven year old inside me is going to go on a rampage soon? I have become more controlled as I have aged (I will have you know!) In the good all days I would have said that I am having a good day today, but nowadays that seems a ridiculous thing to say. You don't want another mad person on the street right?

Enough is enough. If I smoked I would have said I am going for a smoke (well going with my horrible cough...) However I am a tea drinker(!) so I am going to have a cup of tea. (You can join me if you want...)

Updated images of mugs

In case anyone still has an opinion... which looks cooler? I am asking because no one seems to be answering! (Well it doesn't really concern anyone, but it is because I am stuck in the middle about which to choose.) The cost and everything as been sorted, we just need to pick one of the two... (by the way, the text is on the wrong side in the images but that can be changed).



Oh, yeah, I am actually revising algebra and ideals but because they stink really really badly I was drawn to this. Seriously--I hate cyclic subgroups and ideals seem to be generated by them and that leaves me perplexed. A cyclic subgroup is \lange a \rangle = {a^n | n is an integer}. Now we interpret a^n= a*a*..... *a and star is whatever binary operation the group has.

Yes, I'm probably sounding very dumb, but in rings since we have the group (R, +) do we take the bin. op in the ideal generated by a to be addition? But then GAH. Yes--this was the hole I was talking about. Ideals require that for a \in I (the ideal) and r \in R (the ring) ar and ra \in I. So ....

Something is not making sense. Did I mention that I don't like algebra that much any more?