Friday, April 24, 2009

I Dreamed a Dream

I haven't blogged for a very good reason. I call it escapism. Blogging makes me ask questions about what I will be doing next year. Blogging forces me to address issues that I do not have the guts to face.

I have been a massive chicken, I confess. However today, as the Tweenies enjoyed a cup of tea (and some sushi!) we all reflected on our three years at University and how only a month or so remains. It was sobering. Fizz (I think) commented that we shouldn't think of what we will be leaving behind, but take what we can with us. (Or something like that...).

I don't want to leave. I don't want it to end. But that is what will happen, I know.

My reluctance to accept that I will be leaving soon is due to many reasons. I want to remain unburdened by certain responsibilities which are a natural process of life, and which I fear will come across my path once I graduate. Namely "growing up". I don't mean becoming maturer - for I can't see that ever happening. A certain freedom is associated to being a student. We have disorder - chaos - in our orderly lives. But we get along just fine. We like the chaos.

I resent (to a certain degree) "unchaotic" systems. Things that force a stopper on human creativity and natural flare. University though, doesn't do that.

I know that I am "young and foolish" and I don't really know what lies ahead until I have taken a bite of the apple; but still my heart is restless.

Motivation is another thing which I am very low on at the moment. Exams are my worst enemy. The prospect of yet another year of exams is definitely making the fourth year look like the empty set. My circumstance have also changed - in all senses - financial etc.

But then I wonder how life modulo (human baggage) would be.

I feel sad because there is so much more that I want to do whilst at University, and I feel that everything is going to prematurely end.

Maths I still love (if you will humour me for a second!). However, I must confess that since the balance of my life shifted, I can't find the time to focus on studying maths. Hence I wonder, if I do four years, would it all end in tears?

I chose cool modules but I must say that I am disappointed with two of them - those which I expected to be more better. Namely, Number Theory and Algebraic Geometry. The course content in Number Theory seems yucky (!) - I know prime numbers are the goal, but it seems like another course on series - which I can't manipulate of course! Silly Von Mongoldt. Meh.

And the geometry course - well let me just say that I really miss Dr. Eccles' lectures.

I know that I like a certain type of lecturers, but if you ever study Maths at Manchester University, be sure to attend courses lectured by Dr. Eccles, Dr. Coleman, Prof. Stohr, Prof. Sharp, Dr. Walkden, Prof. Prest, Prof. Heil, Dr. Hewitt, Prof. Dold, Dr. Khudaverdian and Prof. Rowley (in no particular order - and I hope not to have missed anyone out!).

The above lecturers are all awesome and really friendly as well. Sigh.

Sadly, I can't even answer the question: What do you want to do next year?

Nothing. Maths. Nothing. Teaching. Nothing. Win the lottery. Nothing.

I know I'm not alone in my worries, for many other students are probably experiencing similar issues, but gosh does it feel lonely. I need to do something though. How can I leave?

All good things must come to an end? I think that's what Bella said to reassure the rest of us!

By the way, you are all invited to attend the last Galois Group lectures of the semester next Wednesday 29th April 2009, and perhaps my last one too. (Kill me now! ;) ). Well at this moment in time it is my last Galois Group lecture, hence why I am being forced to do the introductions, even when it's not my turn! It's been good though - The Galois Group. And when the second speaker of next weeks lectures asked me: "Have you enjoyed it?"- "Too much" was my reply.

I'm sad that I couldn't get the mugs produced though - and I'm desperately trying to think of something to give to the volunteers. (Whilst trying to pass my exams!)

Whoops - I'm running out of steam now. The title of this post and indeed this post came after I watched Susan Boyle (yes everyone's talking about her!) on YouTube. It was her song (lyrics below) which seemed to cry out for attention:

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high,
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid
When dreams were made and used,
And wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung,
No wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hopes apart
As they turn your dreams to shame.

And still I dream he'll come to me
And we will live our lives together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms
We cannot weather...

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seems
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed
.

I'll have TGG post up soon as well. Hopefully I can stop avoiding this blog too. *Tries to end on positive note *

It's the weekend! Woohoo!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

mymaths is bad!!!!!!!!!!!