Thursday, October 09, 2008

Too many thoughts.

Today (Thursday) has been a nice-ish day. Yesterday was good too...well apart from when I was very nearly killed! I had joked with Dr. C that I had to run otherwise I would "be killed", and I was surprised when this joke very nearly became reality. I didn't enjoy the "sensation of trying to be killed", so as you can imagine I wasn't myself for 15 seconds. It can't have been more than fifteen seconds I assure you, because the atmosphere suddenly became crystal clear and a lot of red faces could be seen. I did apologise for my "15 second hulk show" but I honestly think that anyone else who was "about to be killed" would have reacted in the same way as myself.

I will stop myself from going into detail for the "15 second hulk show" is not particularly shying from showing itself. It suffices to say that when people try to control me and tell me what to do in a threatening and forceful way, I hate it. Isn't that human instinct?

You see I came across someone yesterday who was in the very same position I found myself in during my first year (second semester). Some of you may remember my damning posts, confused about where my feet were taking me. You see I had always planned to study three years of mathematics and then do a PGCE and teach. That was my dream since year 10 and I worked towards it as best as I could. But then suddenly in my first year of maths, around the time this blog came to life, my previous plan went AWOL. I did want to do teaching at one stage in my life (for the challenges it presents are those which I can't stay away from!) , but now dreams of a MMaths or a PhD even threatened to weaken me.

Indeed such thoughts have tormented me since I realised that my initial teaching plan was "dodgy"; but this torment has also brought a fear of uncertainty with it, which is hard to cope with. The person I met was finding it hard to cope, for like myself they had had a sudden change of heart. I felt myself well qualified to try to calm and reassure this person, for although my life's path has been very non-linear and chaotic, and I still can't say for definite about doing four years, the fears being expressed were very solid to me. But NO, I was brushed aside by others and attacked I feel, which was unnecessary. I didn't particularly take too kindly to the statement that I would make matters worse for said person and that I should "shush", for I honestly believe that the worried individual was beans a year or so ago.

Sigh. Justifying being a hulk for 15 seconds is not acceptable, and I did apologise to those who nearly had their heads ripped savegly. I think that I must have been very angered by this attempt to kill me, for I can't even blame tiredness of any sort for my reaction. I had actually been quite jolly up till that point.

Now please don't point out to me that I said I would not go into detail! I was given this book to read last year by Bella, and a year on I still haven't read it. I was going to give myself another year to read it for I don't tend to read much during term, but sadly someone else wants to read it so I have to return it. The book - Memoirs of a Geisha - is one that I have always wanted to read, hence why for the past few days I have been crazily reading the small print as fast as can be. I have to return it tomorrow, but truly that book is quite amazing.

At this moment in time I am at a passage which has made me very annoyed hence why I have stopped reading it to type this post! The book has weirdly collided with my real world, perhaps of the way it is written. I love the tone of the book, and a lot of it is to do with dreams and how they can be very dangerous, and so on, which is why I may be particularly inclined towards it. Nevertheless, as Po was chucking some food away, I stupidly said "don't waste the food - we need to make sure we that have enough left ...." Enough for what you ask? Well I was at the point of World War II in the book and was going to talk about rations!

Perhaps if I read my notes and maths book with such enthusiasm, I will once again start talking about maths?! HA. (Well this book is to blame for my maths-less week indeed!)

Did I just go an say the M- word? It seems like I did. Damn.

Today I had a nice-ish day (as I said). The nice-ness though, nearly disappeared when I read an email from Dr. C telling me that there were no available rooms for Wednesday 29th October, for our student Galois Group lectures. I didn't have it in me to reply to that email but I seem to remember reading "what next?" and that word echoed through my head as I went to see him in person. My nerves tingled with worry and I felt the world was my enemy (I think that book is the reason for the extended hyperbole which you are now experiencing! Call it turbulence...).

Honestly speaking though, I can think of many evil things about the stupid career event taking place on that Wednesday. I feel like being a so and so and not writing about that event here, but I will grow up tomorrow and get out of my sulk so I shan't commit myself to any such thing! Anyway, I shook with rage as I spoke to Dr. C, but a different kind of rage. The kind when nothing seems to be going right. The childish rage of not being able to get what you want. Or when someone else snatches your favourite toy. I said a few well chosen words to the Maths department, but nothing that a child would not be allowed to hear (!) for Dr. C was there!. :D

I still do feel an unexplainable rage towards the department, for shouldn't they be trying to make my life easier? If they don't want to make it easier, then why do they persevere so much in making it more difficult? I already am losing the support of my friends, and although Milo and Bella won't be coming to any more lectures, I am desperate for them to do the refreshments. It's no wonder I'm driving the sanest person around (Dr. C) insane! Well I suppose I should move onto Dr. E for a few days, for I do have a bone to pick with him about his example class on Monday...

If I was to say that planning the lectures schedule for TGG lectures is the hardest thing possible, you would probably laugh. I mean how hard can it be to schedule some lectures? It shouldn't be hard considering we can't have a lecture in week 4 and week 11 due to that dratted school board meeting. (They refuse to start at 2pm for some reason...). Then there's week 6 which is reading week and week 7 is avoided due to coursework tests and what not. Week 1 and 2 are too soon so week 3 it is (I say). BUT dear oh dear, we could possibly have the UG SSLC meeting on that week! (Though Prof. S' was nice and said that he would start that on 2pm on this particularly week.) The next slot is week 5 which is what's been cancelled.

Easy you were saying? As Dr. C suggested we have gone and asked to book rooms for weeks 8, 10 and 12 for that's when the lectures will have to be now (and we don't want any problems later). There's going be a five week gap between the first and second lecture which is most frustrating, but later on when I though about this calmly, I felt that maybe this has happened for a good reason. You see the deadline for Infinite Descent falls into the five week gap, so I can work on that instead!

Someone said something nice to me about TGG today. Call it a compliment if you like (which one doesn't often hear), but I wasn't taken aback by anything that was said. I just keep on hearing the same things you see: "Thanks for organising the lectures", "You're doing a great job", "I love what you've done". etc. The kind words are very appreciated, especially when some people turn around and say "TGG who gives a damn!"; "Geeks - you need to get out more!" etc. I just feel very numb about TGG at the moment and very tired I guess. The injection of energy is there and so is my passion for it. I just don't know what to say. I always want to do more for TGG but since the book I have been reading has made me superstitious (!), I worry a lot! It hasn't become a chore yet, but that is what I'm perhaps fearing.

Tomorrow is the deadline for choosing course units for the third year, and I think I know what I'm doing this semester. (Well apart form which module to study at 15 credits from Intro. to Topology and Measure Theory, but that can be changed later). The second semester ones should also be chosen now but I have a big fat question mark over algebraic topology. Can I ask a question. Do Topologists like scaring mathematicians? Perhaps I should do a lecture on "scary mathematics"? If I did I would definitely have topologists at the top of my list! A non-topologist didn't scare me about algeb. topology as much as a topologist did...

I also have my very own personal book library thanks to my lecturers... I "stole" another book from Dr. C today (for he thought it was the only way I could stop ranting about the maths department when I went to him to about our Galois Group lecture plans), and now I have 2.999999.... books of his. (Actually I went to the library at lunch and they didn't have it, so I asked to "steal" his copy). He doesn't seem to remember the other two books I have and "trusts me". (You're meant to feel sorry for him now!) Muhahaha. But then he reminds me that he has more of my books that I have of his, so I should be more worried! (Now you can feel sorry for me...). Don't worry - I know which books they are! (But I would advise him to write on the board what exactly he lends out, like Dr. E does. Yep I'm borrowing of him as well.)

I don't know how long I have gone on for as I typed the post in word pad before pasting it here! I will post something soon about Maths, but not so soon that you remember me saying this...

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