Friday, October 17, 2008

A slow post

I realised today, that when one isn't feeling particularly happy, the world seems to slow down completely. The cars on the roads, people walking on the pavement, the lecturer's mouth talking in another language all seem to be happening in slow motion.

You hide this sadness quite well and no one knows how your insides shudder in turmoil, wondering what to do next. No one else sees this slowness. You stop caring for a day and promise yourself to deal with this problem tomorrow. You hide from the things that will remind you of your worries and your laughter might seem exaggerated. In fact, you're so relieved to find yourself laughing at a joke or something, that you end up laughing with relief! But then a reminder walks by. Emotions stir up inside you. Do you check your emails or continue eating your lunch, which will help cheer your insides up, whose pain is only visible to you?

I didn't check my emails this lunch time and for one moment I felt like I was forcing myself to keep sitting and eating. Lunch had been nice today, apart from the few times when certain things reminded me of my troubles, but I did good if I may say so myself.

Last night, after my post, there was nothing left for me to do but Maths. That was the only way in which I could stop worrying about something that shouldn't be having this effect on me. Perhaps fortunately at the time, I got drowned in group theory and lost track of time. I would say unfortunately because for most of the week I have been asleep by 2am, and last nights marathon ensured that my Friday lectures were very hazy and confusing.

It was 1:15am when I had had enough of the question I was doing and gave up. But before going to sleep I tentatively checked my emails, whilst sending my Group theory lecturer an email about what was troubling me! (That was the only way in which I could sleep peacefully...).

We have a coursework test next Tuesday you see and... well another unfortunate thing is that I seem to find one of the easiest modules difficult. (This is namely due to my attitude and my reluctance to believe that I can understand silly algebra - whoops I mean annoying algebra. Ach - you know what I mean!) I want to make more of an effort this semester but I can't ever prove things in Algebra which is annoying! I write the information that's given to me and what that implies, but then what? Well I am going to post more on Group theory soon due to my desire to revise!

I had to wake up early today so only got roughly seven hours of sleep, which further slowed everything down! Hmmm, so perhaps I was slow because I was tired and not because of the worries that I was trying to bury inside me?

I'm ashamed to say that whilst walking to the AT Building I came across a set of traffic lights. A car was clearly slowing down and I felt it safe to cross, but I didn't. The green man was still showing and I had to wait for the red man to come. The car came to a stop but the green man didn't disappear, so I decided to glance at the traffic lights instead. They were red! Confused I decided to cross the road wondering why the heck the green man hadn't changed. A second later my mouth flew open....

Coding theory was ahem and erm and linear! Ah right, that means we're going to do easy things now? Well that is what I'm hoping for! I have been told that coding theory is quite easy once you have "got it". Hence why I am leaving that module untouched for the moment, hoping that I will "get it" when I do look into it.

Applied complex analysis just reminded me of how much I hate the residue theorem. It's quite a fantastic result (I'll have you know!) but my problem since last year has been trying to find the damn residues of the singularities. I have found my complex analysis notes from last year and a quick skim through them has given them the thumbs up (they're good notes as they provide more motivation and explanation). Hopefully things will make more sense a second time round (but that's not always true, for I'm hoping that third time round algebra will make sense!)

After complex analysis I finally found the courage to check my emails. Thankfully I was greeted with positive news. Well I was expecting the worst so anything that wasn't bad was good! The relief that swam through my body actually recharged my batteries and allowed me to concentrate in Topology for 3o minutes at least. (Considering it's last thing on a Friday, that's pretty good in my books.) The email hasn't solved anything yet for I'm still waiting to hear if a room has been booked, but at least it has given me some hope that not everyone is out to get TGG or indeed myself! (It's quite amazing where ones imagination can sometimes carry you...)! Actually I'm quite naughty at times and "do a Godel".... .

The email has given me hope that if we get a room for our lectures, the clash might not affect the student who has volunteered to give a lecture (fingers crossed that we hear some more good news). I'm eternally grateful to Prof. S' for although he may not realise it, he has saved me from a potentially ugly disaster that could have resulted in no lecture in week 7, 8 and 9! He's also saved me from the depths of my despair and helped me to stop worrying about this too much. Perhaps I can have a weekend where I don't have to worry about TGG for once?

It's getting to me more than ever that I don't have a group. Every single problem always directly affects me to such an extent that I can't avoid it. I also can't pass the problems on to someone else for they would just disregard or ignore them. This year Dr. C is also very busy in his duties (teaching two big courses and other things), and I think I have already tested his patience on too many occasions this year so I am going to try and "bug him wisely" (rather than all the time "unnecessarily"). Well he shouldn't really have to endure my worries for that's what this blog is for. (I do need to see him about something else though, but that can wait).

Some times one needs constant reassurance I suppose, that one is capable of doing things and that one can cope with everything, no matter how depressing it is.

Today I witnessed something in the AT Building that I hope is not there on Monday. Mathematicians strive for consistency so if our building all of a sudden demonstrates inconsistency, what do we do? I won't say any more, but if on Monday I witness what I saw today I will be very annoyed.

To end this post I will narrate something that happened to me on my journey home today. I happened to bump into two student opticians that I know, and at the time I also happened to have a book on Topology in my hand. One of the to-be opticians asked me what the heck I was reading and what Topology was. I gave my friend the "piercing look" to decide whether or not she was taking the mick, but she seemed genuine so I then looked at the book for motivation to give some sort of answer! I mean the first thing that came to mind was "Topology is a lot of hand waving", but somehow that wouldn't make my chosen profession look particularly great against optometry!

I finally got inspiration from "the doughnut and the mug" thingymajib, and went on to explain how a doughnut and mug can essentially be seen as the same thing (for you can transform one to the other without any ripping or cutting). My friend found this particularly amusing but I made sure to "wave my hands around a lot" to convince her! (Mentioning "topological equivalence" might have scarred her so I avoided that). Boy am I glad that I'm doing Measure Theory as 15 credits for I although that is harder, at least it's more paper waving than hand waving.

It's time I stopped being lazy now.

No comments: