Thursday, October 16, 2008

A despairing Bean

This is life, or so I'm told. You meet some dead ends, crash into everything and then face more bumps. But hey - the "life" bit tells us that we have to deal with such things and get on with it.

What happens though when you are not willing to deal with things any more? Does one stop "living"?

Or does the thing that you're struggling towards cease to exist? Does that venture die. And a part of you dies with it?

I have dealt with these bumps. I have met them head on. They took my posters down and I stuck more up. They took them down again and I devised a new ploy for advertising my lectures. I tried to build up contacts to spread the word. This worked it seems and yesterday was brilliant. It was one of them moments where you just have to stand back and watch the crowd - amazed at what's standing in front of you. But such moments are very rare like... I don't know - seeing a shooting star perhaps? They happen once and if you blink they're gone. You have to make sure you live that moment to its fullest at the time it happens.

I did that. Bella, Fizz and everyone who attended gave me that moment.

But then it disappeared just like that.

As you might have been reading, I am having a horrible time getting a room booked for the next student lectures. I feel that the next lectures are cursed (and that's not because I have read Memoirs of a Geisha recently). No matter what day it is going to happen it will be a disaster. Which leads us to the next question - will it ever happen?

NO. It's not going to happen. I am tired of this particular bump and I am feeling very weary. I have annoyed to many a people due to this damn room booking dilemma, and that is quite wrong of me. It is not my intention to cause others inconvenience but how else can I deal with this bump? What would you have me do?

I have one last hope and if that disappears then it is going be very hard to pick myself up. I can imagine how Wiles felt when his initial proof was found incorrect. I don't have an attic to lock myself in but I'm sure I can find something...

My last hope could decide if there will be a student Galois Group lecture next. Week 8 is all booked up, so it has to be week 7. We haven't got a room yet and if we don't then it's all over before the game started. If we do get the room though, we have a clash with the UG SSLC. Why' is it a clash? Well our student speaker is a member of that committee and although I have more to say on this than I will write, he wants to attend the first ever meeting of that committee this year. (I'm also on the UG SSLC but I will be turning up "late" which I have already mentioned to the chair).

Now would I be unreasonable to ask the student speaker to miss the first 30 minutes of the meeting? I don't want to go down that lane, hence my one hope. At this moment in time I feel like doing and saying a lot. I wish we had more student volunteers. I wish I could get a grip of myself too.

Sigh and sigh again. I honestly do not lie when I say that everything that could possibly go wrong has been doing so. Yesterdays lecture is the only joy I have felt about TGG for a long time, and even that was short lived. (My post about yesterdays proceedings remains incomplete for I do not have the heart to continue it.)

Sometimes I feel that I am not old enough to carry this burden. TGG has added a few years on my forehead. I'm not that particularly fussed about white hairs sprouting out but I have lost an inch which is what concerns me!

This probably seems like such a trivial issue and perhaps it is. I'm just looking at it from one side and not liking what I see. It's time like these that I honestly can't take positive comments about what I do seriously. Or is it true that all good things come to those who are patient?

I am being shockingly patient (if I may say so myself). Well last year when I hit a bump ( i.e. the first time my posters were attacked by the evil gits) I lost a slight control over myself and was quite angry. Perhaps anger would be nice now for that comes and goes instantly. It doesn't hang over my head like this predicament I'm in at the moment.

Times like this I really wish that The Galois Group was actually a group with more than one person. It's hard - carrying this load on my shoulders and not having anyone but Blogistan to share my problems with. That mental support is what's missing. I'm dreading checking my emails now, for I don't want to hear any more bad news.

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