Friday, September 19, 2008

Evil me

Yesterday I said some very hurtful things and they affected me in a bad way. I might have on occasions mentioned how I very rarely lose my temper, and that I'm most dangerous when upset. However yesterday it was a mixture of everything.

I have since apologised, but I can only imagine how the other person might have felt after my outburst for it was simply not nice. My anger wasn't directed at the person but instead the conversation we were having. My listening skills disappeared. I heard nothing. Only felt the silence afterwards. Some advice to anyone whose interested: outbursts over the phone are much worse and should be avoided. The other person can't "swing" at you (if they want to) so it leaves things in a very tense way!

Well thankfully I have cleared the air today and I'm glad of it too. These things eat me up you see for I have no right to lose my cool on anyone. And this wasn't just a "snap".

These summer holidays have been very weird. I bring stress upon myself (sadly) and I need to get out of that horrible habit. My stress conversion unit has not been operating effectively and is in need of desperate repairs.

I'm going to let certain things out now: last year I ran away from The Tweenies (I believe) for something non-trivial (in my opinion at the time) and non-university related . I didn't really run away but I threw myself into The Galois Group, which naturally caused me to work in isolation. I purposefully sometimes did this too, and once again my reasoning felt justified (but non-blog material!) I didn't realise what I was doing until things became quite "edgy". This was resolved towards the very end of the second semester, but the damage might have been irreparable.

You see I have a natural silly response to situations which render me uncomfortable: my flight hormone kicks in and all I can do is fly! If I find myself put into a tight corner, I naturally try to get myself to safe grounds to get to grips with matters so they can be dealt with. My flight wasn't from the whole of the Tweenies though and this became apparent to more than one person. Sigh. I have to get this offa my chest you see (and a few other things).

My second year without the Tweenies "all together" was slightly dodgy. We were all stressed about our studies on one hand (some more than others) and we were all finding it difficult to cope with the transition to the second year. (Well I definitely underestimated the difference no-supervisions was going to have on me!) In my first semester I only enjoyed Algebra and Real analysis. I didn't do too well in Algebra, but having also not done brilliantly in algebra II, I conclude that algebra does not fit in my "active site"! Nevertheless I'm going to do group theory and Galois theory and try to induce some positive activation. \{sad me - bringing biology into this debate!}

I'm always looking for "excuses" which leave me the innocent party but on this occasion I won't. My complete dedication to TGG meant I annoyed a lot of people and lecturers too; not that I'm saying that lectures aren't people of course (!) -but I'm just trying to emphasise this!

The Tweenies noticed that I did this too but I was not one to listen. This year everyone is more wary around me you see, which means the element of surprise is no longer on my side. :D Hence why I'm going to try and not bug Dr. Coleman, and any other lecturer that much about TGG. They have teaching responsibilties and other responsibilties such as "Director of such a such a thing", and just because no students are on my team doesn't mean that I cause others inconvenience. This is definitely going to be hard, for the only reason I managed to stay sane was due to the support of my teachers. Gah. Alternatively I might automatically bug them less this year for a system has been set up, which I should be able to work within on my own. (Last year the system was being put into place, thus the reason why I needed more support from people).

I need help with TGG. That's what it comes down to. Next year I'm not going to oblige the Tweenies to attend any lecture, however I will ask them whether they are still willing to help out with the refreshments. I would have been lost without their help for I am absolutely useless at things like this. All I can do is eat the Jaffa Cakes. Actually I very rarely eat on a TGG Wednesday! Hey - that has a certain ring to it like "Orange Wednesdays"! Do you think I could make my own funny (or not so funny!) commercials about GG Wednesdays?! It would be quite fun but I'll leave that for another intake of students perhaps?

This is going to be a very messy post and... just very messy. This blog has deviated a lot from my original thoughts about it, but that doesn't bother me for I like chaos. You just don't know what to expect next! One second I'm over the moon and the next I'm down in the dumps. And for anyone concerned, my flippin face can be quite easy too read! For this reason I'm going to leave my blogging desires and thoughts for the coming year to myself. (Namely to decrease the pressure I put on myself!) The word Maths though, should hopefully make a reappearance...

I know that I frequently mention my Mum, but without her I would be very lost. Today she had gone "missing" for some time, and all of us ended up ringing her at different times enquiring about her! It was my mum who said that we'd all be lost without her (and not in a particularly pleased tone, might I add!). She's the voice of reason and when she tells me that I should perhaps "not do four years", I first listen to her. I then argue back and try to show her my reasoning: a house I will buy one day, a stable life I hope to build for myself but these things don't happen suddenly. My mother wants us all to be successful and happy.

That's understandable for all mothers worry. Doing a fourth year means more debt on my head and it also means I won't be earning, so where's the house going to come from then? (she argues back). She worries the most about me though, for I don't really have the desire to "work". I'm also the laziest and weirdest who would probably survive on tea just to avoid making proper food! Education vs. work, earning money and building a stable life for yourself? Which sounds more appealing? For my mum I can do a lot. But I hope that I am able to bring her onto my side of thinking, so then I won't have to give it up. She'll never tell me "not to do it", but just give her side of the argument which can be enough.

Yes - I'm getting everything out now for tomorrow is a new day for me. It signifies the end of my summer holidays. It could potentially also signal the start to my final year of studying Maths at university! That thought itself frightens me. I can't not do four years. But as I said in September, whatever is going to happen will happen. I just to have to take each at a time and prepare myself for a possible fourth year. If I want it that badly, I might just get it.

By the way - I passed my Theory test! That's the other reason of my stresses and absence. My mother (who I love very much, but apart from when she makes me do certain things!) took it upon herself to make sure I actually booked the damn exam and was ready for it. My driving instructor and possibly the whole world have been on my case to get on with my theory and pass my practical test. This doesn't work too well with me. My cousin visited over the summer and he is younger than my by three years. He's passed his theory too. He did it as soon as he turned seventeen and started getting driving lessons. "I've stayed behind" though.

"You're studying for a maths degree and you can't pass your blimmin theory." Oh - how they ruthlessly mocked me. I would take the equations any day, was my weak retaliation.

Naturally this made me very stubborn and I did squat. My driving lessons became disastrous as I lost interest, for I was sick of everyone being on my case. (This was a daily thing - especially whilst my cousin stayed over!) If people keep on telling me to do something, I don't do it. However when I am up for something and really into it, I do it. I was pushed away from driving and my sprained ankle hadn't helped either (I didn't have a lesson for five weeks you see.)

Three weeks ago my instructor went on holiday and I erm.. "promised" that I would pass my theory test before my next lesson. My instructor came back last week and my theory test had originally been scheduled for 11th September. It was postponed as a "commitment" popped into my diary and could not be avoided.... It was rescheduled for today - the 18th - my first time.

Some drivers out there might be wondering what on the earth the big fuss is about! How hard can it be to answer 43 out of 50 questions correctly, and get 44 out of 75 on the hazard perception part? If I had revised for the questions I would have felt ready, but nothing was going to prepare me for the hazard perception. *shudders*

Through this experience I've realised that I can't really revise anything at all on the computer screen. We even have the CD but I could never get myself to practise. The hazard perception was always going to be hard for I sometimes "zone out", and lose attention. I also clicked too soon or too late on occasions. (I'm not a very good driver - dang! I fear for the pedestrians if I ever do pass....) Anyway - I ended up getting a book with all possible questions and then I was ready. Revising from the book was better for all the questions were in front of me and not picked at random. My mum could also make sure I was actually revising too... :p

I'm not going to think too much about the length of this post for I've been emptying a lot onto here. I've got the darn cold again too - which is going to get much worse. Rather than getting the wisdom teeth removed, I should work on my tonsils!

So in all this drudge, is there anything positive? Well I feel much much lighter for a start! And hopefully I can carry this lightness to help me in my goals for the next few days.

Finally (I'm hungry you see!) if there are any to be first years Maths students at Manchester working through this drudge, then please don't hesitate to get in touch with me. You'll probably see me "looming" in the maths building anyway, so if I can be of any help just drop me an email. Now do I really have to "proof read" this post?!


Jake said...

Re: doing 4 years or not doing four years...

I've had the same dilemma - the extra debt, the fact that I won't finish an undergraduate degree until I'm 25 years old and should theoretically be financially and personally established whereas I'll be re-entering the job market effectively 9 years behind my contempories.

I came to the conclusion that I have already invested too much personally and financially (gave up a well paid career, relationship, nice house, car etc.) to stop myself doing an extra year if I want to but its an individual choice really.

Beans said...

I feel slightly reassured that you will be doing the fourth year, so there will some friendly faces around if I do it as well!

It is an individual choice, but sometimes there are too many factors that need to be considered.