Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Attachments

The shorter this post the better it is, but since I am tired and cranky I doubt it will be short. I am also going to let a lot of steam out here, so be warned.

Firstly I HATE people who become attached to you and don't stop clinging on to you. I am not that type of person you see, and I always need my epsilon neighbourhood of some sort (more on that later too!) I don't want to feel like I'm carrying someone in my backpack all the time. And when the backpack discreetly tries to impose itself on you then fireworks are likely. I am biting my tongue very badly because I know that sometimes a person is unaware of how "clingy" they are. Damn. In my life I have been a loner of some sort. Well I have my good friends, but even they understand that Beans is a drifter, a free spirit. I never like being restrained to one thing or "one group". Having wings is liberating in many ways.

All of a sudden I feel my irresponsible youth being drained out of me. "For Pete's sake grow up", is what I want to shout. Today though, I can't do anything. I am very stubborn by nature and sometimes notice the subtle things that people do, to try and make me do something. What is wrong with being on your own or going somewhere on your own? Good company is always OK and I always enjoy doing things with my friends, but CLINGY company is nauseating. Company which tries to "subtly" dictate matters is nasty.

I have to be nice though, which is hard. Oh to be misunderstood. I was subtle and said I hate it when people ring me all the time, and that I sometimes turn my phone off during the day. OK, perhaps not so subtle because not that many people do actually ring me--I exaggerated the matter to make a point. I deliberately leave my phone at home sometimes too. This has happened over the past few days and it is my own fault because I didn't realise who was climbing into my back pack. I'm not going to be mean and say that I am now carrying excess baggage, but you shouldn't become too dependent on someone else. That's just silly and wrong. I don't like it at all. There is nothing wrong with depending on someone for a certain thing, but you can't force yourself onto another person. You don't become friends or form relations over night, they develop over time.

That's one rant over, but somebody needs to make their own back pack I think, or walk slowly into mine.

The school day was not very great. Some Newly Qualified Teachers (NQTs) were in the staff room when I was, and they talked about the most erm.. silliest of things. Well things not for the ears of this bean.... Nevertheless, I realised that it is really hard when you have to work with some people who don't like you, and pretend they do. Today it came to my attention that BT had a misconception about me. She treated me "more harshly" than other people because she had an assumption based on silly views, which she didn't bother correcting. Her ignorance was settled yesterday, but still I am on the look out for her. These "adults/grown ups" don't realise that us students can pick up subtle signs. When one NQT said something mean to me, which I laughed at, she thought I was being dumb and that I didn't understand the dig that was being made.

Honestly speaking, I had always thought that every single teacher in the whole wide world was "nice". Well a nice person if nothing else. That was once again naive on my part. Why then do they show two faces? When BT was evil to me today, I asked her why she didn't like maths. She went on the defensive and declared: "Oi--don't you talk to me about maths, alright?" (Cue me trying to roll my eyes...) "I got an A* at school, and did and A Level in maths too." BULL is what went through my head. "So why do you hate maths that much?"

I mean I assumed she called mathematicians losers because she wasn't able to do it herself! Anyway, I say that what she said is rubbish, because to someone else she claimed that she got 5 As and 3Bs at GCSEs. This is not a big deal and I don't care about her results, because I hadn't even asked for them. They mean nothing now, but why tell two different stories?

The way some teachers have been trying to say silly comments to me, is the only thing which I have disliked about this placement. Some understood that my legs are different sized, so it may look like I am walking and running at the same time. However, they weren't evil/mean about it. The school is the right place for me because although I try to behave professionally, the child in me can run free. Sigh. It did slightly get to me today you see, perhaps because I am stressed and not sleeping well. If you don't like someone do you have to openly not like that person? My ambition now is to become a head teacher of a school if I ever go into teaching, and make sure that such teachers walk and run at the same time... *cue evil laugh!*

Ha, well actually I naturally am inclined to go for such a role because the politics in this school have made me sick. They are disgusting and that is one thing that I can't stand. When people no longer use their hearts or heads to make decisions or talk to a fellow human, but they go by the "book" which might be wrong and unfair, then something has gone wrong. My heart is definitely not into teaching at the moment because of the excess baggage that comes with the job. The best part of the day is only for at least three lessons, when you are hopefully switching light bulbs on. The rest of the job is rubbish.

OK, so two rants over and I still feel horrible.

Someone has upset one of my mentors--one of my role models. Naturally I don't know the big picture, but this has caused me unnatural distress too. I want to do something but am compelled to do nothing. I feel a sense of duty to come to my mentors aid, but it angers me to some extent that I can do zilch.

Is it generally the case that when one bad thing happens, a million follow? These feelings come and go as we face new situations, at different times of our lives. I have been a sponge absorbing it all, and Thursday will make or break me. Would you believe me if I said that once I came home from school, I actually had a fantastic time? This post was induced by the buzz of my phone you see...

The storm will pass, but I am going to make one thing clear to certain people: don't try and change me; that is, don't try to make both my legs even.

Did you know that Lord Voldemort "came back to life" on this day, in the fourth Harry Potter book (The Goblet of Fire)? So is it only me whose been affected by this dark magic that took place today?

6 comments:

Craig said...

Hi Beans,

Why not put all of your concerns in a letter to the school head once your placement is over? Keep it short and just outline how certain people made you feel totally unwelcome, undermined you, abused you, didn't support you etc. Give a few examples. NAME NAMES!

Tell them that you wouldn't come back there and that you wouldn't encourage anyone to send their children to the school. If they treat volunteer staff with no respect, they can't be treating the students much better. And it sets an utterly appalling example to the students if they witness any of this.

Of course, if certain people were decent and supportive, give them a mention to balance it a little, they're more likely to listen if it doesn't seem totally one-sided.

You'd be surprised at what might happen, especially if the reputation of the school is at stake... Ask them if they think such behaviour is acceptable, and demand an apology.

Hopefully the NQTs will get a kick up the arse and stop this behaviour early in their careers. And it might make you feel a bit better to get all your concerns down officially.

Beans said...

Hi Craig,

Thanks for your suggestion and I was actually thinking about telling my school coordinator this. Normally such comments go whoosh over my head, but because I'm stressed and not sleeping well, they annoy me sometimes.

It seems that one of the "gruesome threesome" is actually doing a PGCE and leaving on Friday! On their own they are perfectly OK, but when they get together they seem to think it is OK to say comments that are not "very nice", which they think is being "friendly". If I was to write a letter, I would only put BTs name in it!

All the other members of staff have been great, and made me feel really welcome. I'm actually thinking about staying on for some more time! (But I'm going to take a week off first...) I'm probably too chicken to write such letter though, hence why I'm going to try and speak to teacher in person!

Craig said...

Most people would be scared to talk in person and would rather write a letter I think!

I would add that the benefits of a letter are that you can make sure you put down all your points and explain them correctly (it's easy to lose track or forget something if you're talking in person), and if there's a record of a complaint being raised, it might be harder for them to just ignore it?

Anyway, you understand the situation much better than I do, and the people involved, so obviously you're best placed to decide.

Good luck!

Beans said...

Thanks for the luck, but it seems that we have a truce now! Well the PGCE student always did say "no offense" before saying something potentially offensive, but since I helped her with a video in her lesson she became nicer.

BT it seems, couldn't cope/handle me! I had days like TGG Wednesdays (for example when I gave my first lesson) and when she was wide awake she tried to put me down. Today when she had no energy whatsoever, and I was bouncing of the walls because of my looming lesson, the truth all came out!

She behaves like that to many teachers, but they are used to her whereas I wasn't.I guess it's what she calls "being funny".

It makes me feel better though, knowing that she couldn't handle me. :D

PS: I was thinking about talking to my coordinator because I had previously dropped a small comment about BT. However before writing any letter I would have probably talked to BT first, to clarify things, which happened today.

Craig said...

Hi Beans,

Glad you managed to sort things out with her :)

Beans said...

Hi Craig,

Thanks, and thanks for your input. If I end up going back in a weeks time and "clashing" with BT, I will definitely do something about it.