Sunday, May 18, 2008

Rules for Public Transport

The following rules were found in an interesting book (from my Dad's bookshelf) which also brought back memories of my rant on public transport. (I have to take this opportunity and thank the anonymous commenter who told me to relax a little with sticking explanation marks everywhere, for all I could see in that post were explanation marks!)

This a list of unwritten rules (with my comments) that are followed rigidly when faced with crowded situations such as a packed lift or public transport:

1) You are not permitted to speak to anyone, including a person you know.

This depends on the situation actually, and how many people are nearby and the sound level of the surroundings. I hate it when I sometimes see a long lost person on a train, and they end up quizzing me on my whole life story in front of a full and quiet carriage. That is why a book or magazine can be pretty useful!

2) You must avoid eye contact with others at all time. [Try to get window seat--that helps!]

3) You are to maintain a "poker face" -- no emotion is permitted to be displayed.

Well the alternative to this is to always have a bemused expression on your face, or think of something funny which leaves a loopy grin on your face. Trust me--that really freaks people out and they stay away from you! Just don't be too crazy so someone complains about you.

4) If you have a book or newspaper, you must appear to be deeply engrossed in it.

If you have a maths book you score bonus points! From personal experiences, bringing a maths book/work out of your bag has two main effects on people: they either shy away from you into a ball, hence giving you have more leg room; or they sit glaring at you which gives you even more satisfaction. *cue evil laugh* You could even get a third interested and curious person, which means you have won the lottery (woohoo). For this means that whilst you talk to this person about complex numbers and how fantastic maths is, the whole carriage can possibly faint or want to strangle you. If you are even luckier someone else might join in the conversation, and then the rest of the train will definitely be having nightmares.

Note if you are having a thick maths day, this can also boost your confidence. (Not that I would know anything about this of course... ;-) )

5) The bigger the crowd, the less the movement you are permitted to make.

6) In elevators, you are compelled to watch the floor numbers above your head.

If like myself you are still growing up, you could do something that might annoy the people in the lift with you. Say you're at floor N and want to go to floor B. First press M on the panel, and then when the lift stops there say "doh-I meant floor L" and proceed to press that button. At floor L, have another doh moment, but this time in a flustered manner look through your bag for your diary. Find the real floor you are after and then apologise the people in the lift and say "ah, it's floor E" and press E. They will probably be shaking their heads at you at this moment, or getting ready to throttle you. Continue to look apologetic and then just before it gets to floor E have a look at your phone. After studying it loudly exclaim "damn-now they tell me" and continue shaking your head and looking annoyed. At floor E, press the button to close the doors as soon as it stops and make sure you are looking very mad. Then you have completed your job and exit the lift at floor B.

Sweet. I haven't actually ever tried that but it seems a great way to annoy people. (I don't think there is anything wrong in thinking about ways to annoy people, but some people always seem to be annoyed). What I did used to do was, when going up or down the lift in the mss building, I would press the button of the floor we had just passed! (The Tweenies and Dr. C did try to make me behave on one occasion, but the only time I stopped doing this when the lift itself spoke to me.) Maybe it was a good thing that I made the decision to walk to n-floor instead of taking the lift!

(This seems like an evil little post, but I can assure you (with my fingers uncrossed) I'm a nice ickle bean! Honestly... ask my PTs. I'm just getting a bit annoyed with discrete maths, that's all.)

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