Monday, May 19, 2008

The hole just got deeper.

Today I realised how big the hole I am sat in, has become.

For some reason I have a habit of turning up to exams just "on time". Maybe this is associated with my feelings of not wanting to be there, but today I had a valid reason! (Like always of course). Anyway I loudly made my presence felt and was a bit annoyed to see that everyone seemed to be covering their seat number, so I didn't know where the heck to start looking. (Hmm, that seems a good reason to be on time).

I woke up at 3am like intended, and faffed around a lot. My throat is honestly causing me a lot of problems, but some of my voice returned today. I shouldn't talk you see because that causes me more pain and then the throat goes worse again. But me... not talk? You must be joking! I was sick this morning too, but that's because I'm under the weather--not the exams. (It wasn't very pleasant might I add). I am in such a mood that I could carry on describing its unpleasantness and its exact form, shape etc. However, a bruising arm reminds me that some people tend to say "eww shut up" very quickly, and proceed to give me "the look". I'm going to wait till they're all eating... you just wait and see. (Well I'm going to make sure that I there are no obstacles for my escape first... some people can be rather dangerous when in that "ew" mood.)

Anyway, how do I feel now. Numb. Numb is good though, for it is keeping the wave of panic that is to due to come because of tomorrows exam, away from me for now. I don't like discrete maths any more. I don't like the fact that we only got 2 hours for the exam and I didn't manage to finish the paper. Sod's law had to have its way and the minute I understood what to do, time was up. I just managed to start drawing my graph.

I am just in a weird and lost mood. This hole is very deep I'll have you know. I should have done enough to pass (pft), but I really want to know what I got in my coursework. I haven't done as well I wanted to have you see and this numb feeling is beginning to go! I don't like maths any more. I don't like exams. I don't like sitting in this hole, watching all my expectations fall right beneath me. There is very little I can do now, which isn't very reassuring. I deserve every single bit of this punishment, but where is that hopeful part that exists within me, always praying that I might have done enough? "Hello--I need you!" Perhaps that has gone numb too?

The thoughts "how thick can someone be" (because of my stupid mistakes) are very depressing. I annoyed my neighbour, but I did apologise at the end. Perhaps the should let me sit exams in isloation, so I can peacefully talk to myself? And what is the university's problem with having exam halls with horrible lighting? That really irks me (I'm angry now). My revision is done with the lamp on and the bedroom light on too, even if its a sunny day. I need the light to be as bright as possible. The light in the exam hall puts me to sleep and my head starts groaning.

Hmm. This happens to me every year. Or perhaps I always need something to whinge about? Possibly. Anyway, of to bed I go now; and I will wake in 4.5 hours and then revise geometry section 3 and do all the problem sheets till 9:45am tomorrow. Impossible is nothing I tell you, but the chances of this hole going even more deeper is very high.

I shouldn't be allowed out of this in this mood. If you ever want an excuse to do some dumb (or you want to do something dumb and need an excuse to do it) have 3 hours sleep and your job is done. Good night.

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