Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Jealousy and other musings

Today has been a very hectic day. I went to sleep at 3:30am last night and woke up at 9:30am this morning. (Late of course, but that's another story). Given the fact that I was really walking backwards this morning (until lunch), I knew there had to be a point when I slumped. That point happened when I finally came home, but it shouldn't have happened today (I actually had a pretty great day at university today, and didn't want to leave!! Sad I know...)

So where was I? Ah... you see I believe there are two types of jealousy--a good type and a bad one of course. Good jealousy? I hear you ask, what nonsense is this Bean talking about today, you continue.

I think a better word for "good and positive jealousy" is admiration maybe. I have been jealous in a good way of certain people and things. However, this "jealousy" has always been positive and given me motivation. That's why I wouldn't call it jealousy, for generally jealousy is not associated with positivity. I just wanted it to be know that there exists a "good jealousy". (I am having doubts whether it would be called jealousy, as I run through examples in my head...)

For example, "once upon a time" I saw someone do something and I became jealous because I wanted to do this thing. However, due to seeing his person I was "inspired" and "motivated" to try and achieve this thing too. I even approached the person concerned and discussed my ambitions, and they helped me to get what I wanted. There have been many situations like this, hence why I have written something and someone.

This "jealousy" is great. It gives a person a chance to improve themselves and work hard at something. A motivation of some sort.

Then you have this horrible thing on the other side of the field. The green jealousy--the very green one. This is evil and hateful. This causes people to change.

I do have random outbursts and this is another one of them. As I sat nursing my cup of tea, thoughts swirled in my head. What causes one to forget everything and envy a person in a bad way? What causes someone to sink so low that they forget any morals they may have had? It changes a person, "bad jealousy" does. I have witnessed this change in two people. It's not a nice change.

Everyone has some jealousy in them, but you should hide it and keep your thoughts to yourself. You shouldn't say something silly or do something stupid.

I think my outburst has come to a stop now, namely because the thoughts have started swirling again. Sigh. There is no point in dwelling on such matters. All I can do is try and keep an eye on myself, and hope that positive jealousy remains, and that I am able to hide things otherwise. A.

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Today I felt very bad. Just when I thought that I had decided about what I was going to do in my fourth year, I became stuck again. Someone said something nice to me today (a rare change) but I didn't realise it at the moment. As I was trekking through town, pondering (as usual), the brief hazy exchange came to me and I realised that I am somewhat lucky to have befriended nice people. Them nice words have contributed to my confusion again. It's just that I can't imagine leaving University. I seem to always think about the "far" (explains why I like infinity a lot!) I can never look at the here and now. Decisions I make should be looking at the situation today--not what may or may not happen tomorrow.

Another "it's just that" escaped me but I quickly deleted it! Dr. C has been teaching me a thing or two about English you see, but I'm not complaining. (I'm actually quite grateful for his help-- not just in mathematics too.) Anyway! You see my two weeks to another planet reminded me of something else I have always wanted to do. However, today I realised that the gift I am after is not something you would buy from the shops. This gift is special and I hope that I do get it one day. What do I want more though--that is what the question is now. Can I have both? I have been trying to enquire about "having both" so to speak, even though I may never know when I get gift one! But somehow I feel that is important that I prepare myself for it. My life and goals become secondary when I think about this.

The weird and perfectly normal thing is that no one understands my plight. Everyone is looking from their own angles, and someone will inevitably be upset and angry by my decision. Never in my life did I imagine myself to be in such a position and doing what I am. That should be a lesson for me, for I sometimes dwell on life in the future. I had the path. It just needed walking on. A test, if you must call it, is my current plight. Do I stick to the old and trusted route, which I drew when I was in year 11? Or do I alter my heading and stop at a service station before continuing my route?

The funny thing is that this decision concerns mathematics, which seems to have disappeared from this blog! I did hate my course for a while, and I am still fighting with myself to start revising. What did I hate? Myself of course, for doing everything but mathematics! I didn't hate the mathematics though, which I don't think I can ever do. (touch wood).

Anyway (x2)! That's enough mad rambling from me for today. I have to complete my algebra coursework.... ouch. Although this one is actually nicer--thank the skies for Kronecker's Theorem!

Damn-- I've just remembered that it's a Galois Group lecture Wednesday tomorrow! Crikey--how could I forget that? Give me a second and I'll post the abstracts etc.

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