Wednesday, April 09, 2008


I am on the verge of breaking. Today I am ashamed to admit that I nearly did break. I honestly can't do this any more. Everything is pear shaped. I don't understand the maths, I'm not putting enough effort and work in, and to top it all up of I'm falling. Falling down fast.

This feels weird and new to me. I wanted to give it all up today. To make it end. Yes, it is my own fault--this situation, but I can't see any way out. I don't want to do that badly at the end of the day, but the course material is going whoosh over my head. All of it. I am swamped with coursework and I won't be able to finish it on time--that is what is restricting my breathing and causing me to lose control. Does one give a substandard and not attempted coursework in (on time) and get rubbish marks for it, or does one actually attempt the coursework properly but hand it a day late and lose 20% of the marks? I don't know what to do any more.

You know, it is sometimes easy to write "personal" facts down, but not when it comes to others. All I can write is that my Grandad is seriously ill. When we last met (not so long ago), he laughingly had said, "So beans, when will we next meet?". My confident reply to him slaps me in the face. It's a waiting game now.

Is it another one of sod's law that when things go wrong, they all go wrong together? One thing I've learnt is that no matter how much you plan, nothing goes according to it. I still have an interest in studying, but not under such pressure. Where's the glue?

PS: We got the exam timetables today--more joy? Does everyone have "university year blues"? Apart from the Galois Group (and a few other things) I can't really say that this year has been a "happy" year. Most of my posts reflect that too.

I think losing 20% seems the only reasonable solution at the moment. I need to see "The PT" and soon. It scares me that a part of me is actually saying "don't hand anything in". I was OK until 3pm. After that I felt my insides trying to break free. A stone on my heart, is what I was going for. Imagine if you were Robocop or Terminator? Yes-- these are the stupid things I think as my heart panics and beats rapidly, not slowing for anyone. At the moment, University\{maths} sounds cool.


Anonymous said...

Why not simply ask the lecturer involved for a few days extra on the basis of personal circumstances. This is entirely proper, often occurs and should be no problem at all.

Jake said...

Damn! Wish you hadn't mentioned the exam timetable, makes me depressed - there is barely any revision time after the lectures finished. Its going to be pretty difficult to assimilate all the new material whilst trying to revise stuff from before at the same time. I think they are trying to make life difficult! I'd rather be in university till the end of June and have a better chance at the exams than finish by the begginning of June and be under pressure. I mean, we will probably have about 14 weeks of summer - its too much!

Steph said...

Sometimes everything feels like it is too much. It seems like this is how you feel now. But it won't last. You just need to "weather the storm" so to speak. Crack on with the coursework, just get it done as best you can in the time you have and then forget about it and think about exams. Good Luck.

Beans said...

Hi anonymous,

I did try "something" like that but then forms etc are mentioned, which is where I always tend to go wrong! I have decided though (in a slightly more calmer state of mind) to hand in what I am able to do by Friday, for both coursework (let us not forget the test on Friday too!)

There is no point in losing 20%, of what is already going to be a rubbish mark! (I can't imagine the weekend being more productive...)

Beans said...

Hi Jake,

That's how I felt when I was told about it too! Apart from the three exams in one week, it looks less horrible than previous years. *touches wood*

I was also complaining about the very same thing last year. I don't really understand the shorter semesters at all. I think my panic today arose when it was mentioned that we are in week 8 now. For some strange reason I thought it was week 7!

Beans said...

Hi Steph,

If I don't finish the coursework on time, does that mean I don't have to think about exams?!

Ha, if only! Thanks for the luck--the weekend is what is keeping me going, hence why I have decided to hand in what I can by tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Yes - a self-certification form. There would have been no loss of 20% and you could have submitted with a delay.

Beans said...

I had taken one from TLO, but then I had felt like I was cheating and I wasn't sure what exactly to put down. I felt it was an excuse for my inability to do what I was supposed to, hence why I decided to hand in what I could by Friday.

Ah well, at least this way I have a weekend of nothing to look forward too!