Saturday, March 08, 2008

Further conflict

This isn't going to be a very long post (I won't comment on your reaction to that statement!) Before we dive into this very long post(!), I must remark that today was the first time I missed a lecture this semester! It wasn't due to my fault, but guess what, I didn't have a heart attack about this and frankly couldn't care less. Ouch. That sounded too blunt. Honestly, it was out of my control that I was late, but unlike in my first semester when I become annoyed at missing Prof. D's lecture, this time round I was perfectly calm. Maybe that explained my energy when talking to the Tweenies about "you know what" at 11ish. (Whoops I have added this after writing my post, so it might not make sense yet).

Yesterday I was physically drained, what with having (stupidly?) returned home at 1pm and gone back to university for my 3pm lecture (and then come home again at 8pm after the session!) I had ran about a lot, and not really given much thought to eating which might have explained why I felt tired. The session (in case you were wondering) was great. They are two hour sessions, but the woman in charge gave us a ten minute break at 6pm and I had gone outside (for a smoke). Ha. Did you raise your eyebrows then? It just felt like the "thing" to say! Truth be told I had gone to stretch my muscles and found a piano outside--discarded. I had an interesting conversation with someone about it, and sadly both of us couldn't play it. My thoughts went to Fizz and Dr. K. (I wonder if it's still there today). (Note to the gullible reader like myself...I don't smoke!)

Today I am fine physically, which comes as a relief, but it is mentally that I am completely stretched and on the point of elasticity. What I am going to write will probably make sense to a few or none, yet I still feel the need to get it out of my system.

Yesterday, rather foolishly, I forgot who I was talking to and blurted something out. Nothing "bad" followed from this, but a change in tone and a hint didn't go unnoticed by me. I am lost in life at the moment. There is something very cool which defines me, but sometimes people don't understand this-- it is not something I feel one explains. This thing is personal and determined by our choice. Also, explaining matters always leads to more confusion, for it is hard to understand (at times) what excites another.

Nevertheless my definition has become weaker. This cripples me silently, and makes me think that it is a good thing that my time at university is finite. On the other hand, were I well defined I would probably take everything in my stride and not need to mull in such thoughts. I have to change something, but my laziness is my worst enemy.

Why is it that speaking our fears and circumstances to people, makes them sound more real? At the same time a sense of defeat spreads over your soul, as you helplessly look for options. I honestly have no idea as to what's the right thing for me to do. Endless possibilities are themselves painful. There is so much that I want to do, but I have to "not" do something to do something else.

I wish it was easy for me to make a decision. That there was nothing attached to my decision. I will never grumble at where I am standing in life, for I have much to be thankful for. Have I become greedy?

A sudden wave hit me. I know what I must do. But then why can't I type it out? Why can't I tell you the right thing for me to do in this situation?

It's all about misunderstandings and I will never fault those who are having them. Now that would be called being ungrateful. But when do people stop expecting certain things from you? All week I have had this song in my head, and upon informing Bella of it, she never hesitates and breaks into singing it. (Upon which I jokingly groan--loud enough to be heard!!) I thought I'd write that down because I am listening to the song at the moment. It doesn't match my mood you see.

Am I looking at this the wrong way round? Maybe it is all for the best after all, for I am not made of the right matter to pursue what is on my mind. It's like the quest for the exilir of life. People went crazy trying to turn metal(?) into gold. I am going crazy trying to make something in my head reality. The way it's not possible for a stone to give you everlasting life, maybe it's best if I learn to get used to the idea of my thoughts remaining just that. Time moves so fast--not stopping for anyone.

I feel overwhelmed by everything: my work, my responsibilities certain upcoming events and my own expectations and wants. Or should that be things I can't have? Come now, there are bigger things to worry about than this stupid issue. I have given myself till after Easter to resolve the matter, but I have a nagging suspicion that that won't be the case. It feels weird hearing people talk about this matter so liberally, not understanding the weighting on their words. You don't feel like correcting their statements, but one day it all gets too much and you tell them that everything isn't as easy as it may look.

Today I spoke to The Tweenies about my third idea for TGG again. I didn't want to, what with the initial shocking negativity, but I was experimenting. Actually, truth be told, contrary to what this post might have you believing, I have had a pretty cool day today and have had this raw energy, attached to a desire of wanting to do something. The post reflects the thoughts which were exposed at the end of the day, and then locked away again until now. Po isn't here for a while so because I couldn't discuss them with a teletubby, the blog was the next best outlet.

My plan was to be mysterious, and eventually they figured out what I was telling them. Straight away they went to their battle stations. This time though I was prepared. My weightless reassurances were brushed away, as they heartlessly tried to tear my ambitions and hopes apart, with the wish that it would knock some sense into me. Sense. What a nice word. If I wasn't brainless then maybe I could claim to have an ounce of sense; but as it goes, that is another thing I lack. My smiling face infuriated them further, as they realised they weren't having an effect this time. "Who care about such a such thing" and their other points didn't affect me.

What affected me was when I politely asked them for some questions. I wanted to borrow their brains for five minutes, just to get some more ideas and so I could refine my own thoughts. She said no and he sat silently. Alarm bells started ringing in my head again, but ignoring them I decided to bravely ask again. Again they refused with no further thinking whatsoever. Controlling myself I shrugged them off, thinking: it will be done.

All the Tweenies weren't present at the time, but when we all had lunch together, I felt that it was best I "didn't ruin the mood". I just need to catch Fizz on her own, but she has been under the weather.

Today I have felt slightly under the weather, and two people even pointed out that I didn't look too great. I was battling really hard to keep my mind alert and alive you see, and doing so made me lose a lot of other senses. What I am fearing for is my throat, which is very sore at the moment. I would hate to lost my voice at university--no the images of all them happy faces is unbearable!! Especially certain individuals who I particularly enjoy annoying... (Seriously though, can you imagine what it would be like if I lost my voice at university?!)

My brain was badly detached from the rest of my body today, for as I had walked home, I hadn't been keeping a proper lookout for cars etc. I know so because I didn't anticipate the cars, and this was probably the best chance for someone to take advantage of that!

What to do then? I am going to test my self control from Monday, and see if I can stay away from the computer. We have the next coursework and I have come to the conclusion that I really don't like algebra any more. (Namely due to my own incompetence in the subject). I have to do the coursework by next Friday, and the other million coursework and the catching up too. A mouthful isn't it?

Emails should hopefully be sent on Monday revealing my final plan, but even though Yoda said: Do or do not, there is no try, I can't help but say that all I can do is try, for things can still fall into thin air. This post was actually deliberately long, so to scare people away from reading it! If doesn't make sense because of the disjointness between my brain and body.

A final mathematical conclusion: I dislike it when "X - A" is used instead of "X\A". I don't know why, but it irks me. It just looks wrong. (I.e the set X with A excluded or "taken away" pfft)

No comments: