Thursday, February 21, 2008

That time of the year

Go on, what did you think I meant? Amuse me... Well if you're going to be spoil sports I'm going to stay mute as well.

Wait that defeats the whole idea of this post right? It's my mums birthday tomorrow and I doubt anyone read my blog this time last year, but I was a bad bean then! (I didn't forget, but I as good as did). This year, after being continuously pestered by my youngest sister, who has taken it upon her to make my mums birthday a good one, I got myself into gear. Believe it or not, my mums birthday has been the greatest stress factor this week! When it comes to spending money I am not wasteful, but I always enjoy buying things for other people. Sounds weird but that's just me. It's instinctive you could say, but when I'm on the receiving end I don't like it very much. It has a good feeling associated with it, when you say "it's on me" or something similar.

Anyway I digress. The point is that it's mothers day soon and I don't believe in that too, but my mum probably does. My idea was to combine both days hence why it's been stupid! (I could be found muttering a lot of things under my breath yesterday, as I tried to hunt down what my sister had chosen!) Let's just hope that my mums feeling better tomorrow.

Today has been an exhausting day, and I am saturated with maths. So much that I am posting this because I have not the strength to do any maths. Shame on me I know. All week I have been doing a little but some, however today I feel weary and exhausted. Something happened last night, which I subtly mentioned in my post yesterday (towards the end). At 5:30am I had woken up for a worrying reason. It put things into prospective to say the least, but I have kept this to myself. Sometimes talking about your worries with anyone makes them become real, hence why you keep mute and hope for the best. I really didn't want to come into university today, and didn't care as to how late I was going to be. Sometimes certain things lose value when they stand against other things.

I feel on the verge of drowning in stress. There is so much happening, and I still want to add more to my plate. Well I am the human dustbin, yet have been losing my appetite of late. I haven't' eaten anything since coming home at 18:30pm, apart from two cups of tea. Actually for the past two days I haven't been eating anything when I get home but drinking tea! First things first though: I am going to reduce the stress from my studies first, and then everything else comes next. The other stress, which is really affecting me the most, is exam results stress. Not a day passes when I don't think about the dreaded results. I can't help it but leave such tortured thoughts to myself. No one else understands my fears or worries.

This post is just me letting random things out of my system. I am physically exhausted due to my stupidity. My bus home comes at 17:30pm and takes me home in 5mins. For two days I have found myself running towards the bus stop, only for the driver (who saw me on both occasions of that I'm sure) not to stop. On Monday, having not made it to the first stop, I had ran for my life to try to get to the next stop before the bus did. I had failed and in the process crossed the road without looking too! This resulted in me getting very annoyed (at myself) and the driver for not stopping, and with adrenaline pumping through my body I had walked home! (That's a 25 minute journey on a good day, but since I had ran to the second stop I made it home in 20 minutes). So yes, I haven't been taking it easy on myself, but I love running and wouldn't have been complaining if the driver had stopped!

I had a very oscillating day today. Two sips of tea doesn't equal breakfast, but I am honestly struggling to remember whether or not I had weetabix today! The one thing I know is that it wasn't a fulfilling breakfast, considering I hadn't eaten the night before, so already my energy levels were low. 9am algebra: my feelings of not wanting to be there soon disappeared as I lost myself in the lecture. I don't understand why when the lecturer asks "did you do this last semester" everyone remains mute. If they have actually forgotten then fair enough, but come on now, a "No", "Yes" or indeed a "can't remember" would do!

Straight after it was the geometry supervision, which was fantastic. This module has to be the one which I am enjoying the most. Strangely though, I find it the hardest, but that has always been the case with me--enjoy what's hardest for me! I enjoy it because of Dr. K. His enthusiasm is contagious and great to see. I am hoping he can help me get into shape again... He's cool, and one day I will have a post with all his comments that are in my margins! He really dislikes the determinant by the way!

Continuing with my marathon morning, I trudged to my calculus lecture, not late for a change. I'll be honest with you and make a confession. During lectures when people talk I get annoyed and irritated, for I get distracted very easily. Nowadays. it seems that I am getting irritated very quickly when people talk in lectures . I put this down to stress, but my blood rockets high when I hear as much as a whisper. I can't help it, which is why I didn't sit next to Bella and Arthur in the calculus lecture. My "subtle glares" don't affect Bella any more, and I don't find it funny. I like my calculus lecturer for he tries to stamp out the talkers. He even politely told them to leave if they wanted to talk, and I agreed. Today I even tried the "turn around and look at whose talking" thing, but it didn't work. (Although I didn't sit with Bella and Arthur, three ladies behind me did their best to substitute for them).

In calculus things are finally moving away from what I know. I realise that it's the lecturers job to make sure that everyone has the same ground knowledge, for we all have different foundations, so I am over my grumblings about that. We discussed the wedge today, which I had naively assumed was the cross product. (I'm sure that my mechanics lecturer had used ^ for the cross product). It seems that the cross product is just a case of the wedge product, but more on that next week. My modules are inter related which is a good thing.

Calculus over, it was geometry. I feel sad because when it comes to geometry I am really on another planet. The struggle to stay on Earth is indeed difficult. My stomach was growling loudly throughout, reminding me that I haven't eaten for quite some time now. The geometry lectures are quite pacey so if you're not on Earth you suffer. It's just that I coped some stuff down without having a proper understanding, and because I wasn't listening at times, didn't jot my pencil comments down. I really need to change something about that four hour horrible stretch. I don't like suffering in geometry!

Believe it or not, straight after geometry I went semi-hyper. I felt restless and like a pin ball machine. Anyway, what goes up must always come down, but thankfully it wasn't a painful landing. I think I am crashing out as I type, so please excuse any typos etc. I skimmed a paragraph and had to go back and insert words like "its" which I had missed out the first time round.

I can't remember a single thing that I am to meant to do tomorrow. My mental list has left me, and I think the email to everyone for TGG lecture will go out on Monday. I am still debating this issue. Should we send them on Monday three days before, or a week before? I have stuck the posters back up by the way, and will post about the next (student) lectures soon. I miss my secondary school friends and how well they understood me. They just let me be, understanding who I was and why I did what I did. I especially miss my school. There's a word that describes what I am doing, but my brain deadness has reached a new level and I can't remember it. Oh to be misunderstood.

Why do people look at another and then pass harsh judgements? Can't they see beyond the exterior mess. Ignorance breeds contempt. Some random thoughts indeed, but I have a lot of confusion spread over me. There is this concept of "expectation" which you unknowingly sometimes create of your friends (for example). Then one day you realise that you made a big mistake and was a fool to expect things of someone else. That's a sad day indeed, but then you are reminded: you shouldn't expect anything of others--never. You shouldn't give someone the power to disappoint you, but instead you should do whatever is in your means so that others don't feel the disappointed of you.

Haha, I have just found the best sentence to end this drowsy post with. I feel better now for it is geometrical in some sense! I feel disorientated. The set of all bases can be split into two: one set with "an orientation" and the other with the opposite orientation. However I don't belong to it for I have no orientation. Sometimes a nice feeling, but times like today, it is worrying.


Beans said...

I forgot to mention the discrete lecture by the way! Binary numbers came up, and I felt a part of me light up because I knew what they were. Apart from that it was just more definitions.

I haven't eaten today as well, but on this occasion it's not my fault. (Which makes me feel slightly better).

steve said...

Just came across Murphy's Laws and Mathematics which you may find amusing.

Beans said...

The link doesn't seem to work for me! (Does it work for anyone else?)

Beans said...

Here's something you might find amusing Steve: Murphy's Teaching Laws. :D

(I tired googling his laws for maths and found that.)

steve said...

Try here which repeats it.

Beans said...

Cheerio! Have posted them in a new post too.

(Although I think Sod's law sounds better!)