Monday, February 11, 2008

Still alive.

A few weeks ago I made the bold statement that Sweeney Todd has to be one of the greatest movies that I will watch this year. I mean, it's still early days I hope! Nevertheless, as "making bold statements" go, I have another one to make. This weekend has to be one of the worst weekends of the year. Absolutely horrible. The only saving part of it has to be my conversation with my friend from primary school, followed by my conversation with two other people till 2am. (Which technically is not part of the weekend).

Saturday morning signaled the horrible day to follow. I don't know if you remember, but during the week I went to sleep without eating due to a petty reason. I didn't mention that petty reason, but sadly that reason affected my Saturday. "First thing in the morning" (i.e. midday!) was all that was going through my head.

A record number of 31 individuals "visited" my house this weekend, ranging from friends to family. Twenty six people had alone come on Saturday, which might explain my feelings. I did actually escape for sometime, only to return to find another group with their children. GAH. I was woken up by three children (ranging from 5-9 years old), staring down at my lifeless body, wondering why I was on the floor. They did their best to wake me up; knocking loudly on the door, talking animatedly and running in and out of the room, as if they had successfully completed a dare. It wasn't until my heavy head had slowly risen with a look of annoyance, that they had realised I was the "dead body" on the floor. They didn't return after that, but this didn't stop them from creating havoc in the house.

Breakfast had been a bitter aware (due to my petty reason, which I am trying to formulate into words but failing). My morning ruined wasn't a good sign, and as people entered and left, I found myself crying in misery for solitude. My plan of having a nice, quiet weekend with the maths was ruined. The kids were going crazy and their parents were not controlling them. I had escaped to my room only to find bear and mini bear had also come. They tend to always find their way to my room, due to the variety of things I have lying about (which they try to destroy!) On this occasion though, my floor was littered with my notes. They hadn't seen them. Even if they had, would a four year old care? Another cry of agony escaped me, as I watched my notes being walked all over.

That was it. I had had enough. Trying to save my notes, I had guided them both out of my room. You see they had a few other kids on their trail, and I would have gone crazy if all four decided to "play" with the things in my room (they particularly like the rubik's cube). It was after we all had stood outside my room, that I realised they were not going downstairs. Grudgingly I made my way downstairs, not happy at all, to be dictated to by four year olds! Briefly greeting their family, I found myself in the kitchen making tea--hiding from the kids and their parents. It's funny how you can manage to survive on tea for a whole day when you have to...

Why was I avoiding these people? A cloud had been hanging on my head since the "petty reason" and then it had started thundering as the skies stayed the same. A dull headache had been following me around for the whole day too, and even after escaping I hadn't been able to find peace. I knew that I had no chance of doing any maths, none whatsoever, which made my dark cloud even more fearsome.

Where did I find peace then, you ask, to stop me from going more mental than I already am? The garden of course, although I feel this "offended" the "guests" present. Last night the weather had been sublime. Sitting outside, I had found that although the breezy wind chilled my bones, it gave my heart a comforting warmth, and my head some relief. The children had looked from the window, waving at me in envy and wanting to join me. Ha--like that was ever going to happen! It was cold (dark) and their mothers were not crazy like me.

In my moment of peace, I did rush inside to grab my camera, and took the pictures littered in this post. Yes, a few are the view outside my window and the others whilst I sat outside. (I couldn't resist but if you want to see them "clearer"and find what's hiding, they might need clicking on!) I felt a certain depression on Saturday which I can't explain. I didn't want to offend anyone present, but they weren't here for me and I knew what they were waiting to taunt me about. My quota of polite conversations had been satisfied. I mean 26 people is no small number! I had said my lines, entertained the children and then made a quick exit! (Not always successful one might add).

Today was slightly better, though I did an epsilon amount of maths. I need to pull myself together. Can't I go on study leave for a semester? Please!

My idea of a weekend (after a hectic week) is to recover and reorganise myself. This weekend was just a continuation of my week, so I haven't had the much needed break. So much is going on and time is flying. I have decided not to ponder about my future mathematical life until the end of term. My studying habits have become appalling, and the sad thing is that I would rather spend time working on the Group Group as opposed to my studies. My priorities are not what they should be, and I fear for 28th February. Some things are best left unsaid, but I need to rediscover that passion. That "something" which will push me in the right direction.

If I was to say that I have a huge amount of stress of my shoulders, people will just laugh. "What's there to be stressed about, it's only been two weeks of term" etc etc. What they don't understand is that university is not causing me this stress. My stress is what is affecting my university studies, and since studying is more difficult and requires a certain type of mindset, I am running away from it. I am using TGG as an excuse because it is not as taxing as studying. My brain isn't able to handle this stress and "studying stress!. How grown up I feel at this moment in time, not willingly though. I fear the unknown, my friend claimed. Who doesn't I replied.

Sigh. I hope that in the next two weeks I am able to get a grip of this stress and not let it affect me as much. You see it's not going anywhere for a couple of months, and I would be foolish for it to make me mess up my second year. I want to run away from my responsibilities. But come now beans, don't forget the ultimate reasoning. I seem to be in dialogue with myself. This depression surfaced on Saturday, but I am confident that with my friends help it will disappear. Not studying effectively just makes the whole situation worse.

Less depressingly, I realised that wordpress allows you to host pdf files! Hence now I can also post links to the posters for TGG lectures, and you can tell me how offensive the colours are!

I can't think of what note to end this post on, but once again, todays weather and indeed the outdoors had been soothing. I have a particular fascination with the moon, especially the full moon! Here's what it looked like today though...

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