Thursday, February 28, 2008

Apathy, depression, sadness and finally hapiness!

My earlier post about the episode with Dr. E's blackboard, happened at the end of the day (after 4pm), and as you might have read, I was a bundle of happiness at that point. Why you ask? Well I could make you suffer through another post and then reveal my happiness, or I could state my joy and then "lightly" take you through the events that occurred. Well if I made you suffer, that would only imply that I can't be as happy as I claim to be! The good news is that I have A passed my January exams. :D This news actually made a rather morbid day come to life, but for more details read on this longish post!

Last night I had a disturbed sleep, waking up on at least two occasions having dreamt about my exam results. Today was the official day we were getting them, and each dream had been alive. In one my PT had asked me whether I had wanted my results, only for me to decline! It was stupidity at the worst, for I can't ever claim to having not been able to sleep due to worry about exam results. On one occasion it had been 5:45am and I had felt wide awake, believing my dream to be true. The only way I convinced myself that the results I had seen were not true (and not to get my hopes high!) was that I hadn't switched my computer on!

Indeed it had been a dreadful night, and I had woken up looking very much like I hadn't slept for a few days. Unsurprisingly, during a rushed breakfast thoughts of the results floated in and out of my head, however my dreams had given me an inner strength. Well no longer was I desperate for my results. We were to get our results from "Campus Problems" and I planned not to do so until the end of the day (or something similar). My mother reassured me and someone else annoyed me by saying "but you can't have failed". Silence surrounded me as I tried to lock my fears and control my emotions. Due to my tiredness I wasn't really in the mood for "certain" conversations, and so gladly kept quiet for a change.

I walked to the AT Building this morning, surprisingly very slowly due to very sore muscles (ask the lecturer who saw me run home yesterday after the maths in society lecture--I'm not made for the long distance runs, but short sprints unfortunately!) My mind though was filled with sadness. I felt a resigned fear and the Tweenies and my conversation with Mik yesterday, kept on spinning in my head: "Beans wasn't meant to say "we" but 'I'". I felt like exploding. Yes they're with me, but still I felt a gripping lonliness. (Hence why I made sure to thank those who have helped me yesterday and continue to do so). In my head I was planning on telling Dr. Coleman that I give in and could he do what needs to be done for the last lecture. It felt wrong thinking all this at this stage, and after such brilliant lectures yesterday too. But still I couldn't deal with it all any more, was what was going through my head. I needed some air.

Reaching the AT building I cheated. I sneaked a peak to see if my results were online and then straight away shouted at myself. I can't really explain what came over me, but negativity was surrounding me. I don't pretend to be normal, but maybe it was exam results stress that was causing me to behave this way. Even now I become slightly sad thinking about what the Tweenies said. During my epic four hour of lectures, my brooding nature remained, but there were moments when I felt my normal self. I don't sit with the Tweenies in the calculus lectures any more, because Bella and Arthur talk throughout and I feel my jaw needs a break! Although my excuse to them is that I prefer sitting near the front, so that I only lose concentration for a few seconds! (I have got to do what I have to do, and calculus has become more interesting now).

All throughout them lectures, my mind did wander to what I was going to tell Dr. C about my decision, but for a few seconds only (thoughts about exam results and sleep had priority)! After the long stretch it was lunch time in the AT building. Most people headed to the computer room to check Campus Problems, but with my resolve back, I headed to the teaching and learning office to hand back the OHP markers. There I overheard that the results won't be online till later in the afternoon. Happy, I headed back to the table to wait but then got bored waiting and went to make the next batch of posters. (The new posters look pretty neat and I will add the link to the timetable on the right soon. )

Then it was time to see DC. I confessed to feeling like I was going to explode and not being able to do it any more. That was a really low moment--giving in. My reasoning which had made sense in my head, suddenly screamed at me for acting stupid. For 6 months or so I have kept the negative people at bay, and kept on working at it, so why stop now. I was affected badly. Dr. C reassured me to not worry about the Tweenies, and that I did have a lot on. That's what I was getting confused with. I have exhausted myself already, and became overwhelmed with everything that I have to do. That coupled with not a lot of support from the Tweenies did dampen my spirits. The thing is that I didn't go to DC to hand the towel in. I wanted someone else to shoulder the responsibility whilst I recuperated.

This I understand now. Thankfully I kept a lid on my emotions though, for I felt myself leaving the building! I also realised why I bug Dr. C, my PT and other lecturers about the Galois Group: they listen, give ideas, and are actually interested which makes me feel great. Leaving the receipts with DC I left, but still lacking that energy. Gulping my tea down I had headed for my discrete maths lecture, amused now, at the situation I was finding myself in.

At 3:42pm, the girl in front of me had received a message and then informed her neighbour: "the results are out". My heart dropped and my eyes became fixated on the clock! The lecture had consisted of proving three lemmas, so not following the last one didn't bother me too much. At the end of the lecture most people had headed to the computer cluster in the Chemistry building, but since I had posters to stick up, I went to the AT Building.

My heart was in my mouth as I loaded campus problems. It stayed there for quite some time, after my results appeared for they didn't register initially. I didn't know how to react. What should I feel? For so long this day had been torturing me and now I was lost for emotions? Had my emptiness during the day drained me? I spotted that my algebra and pde results were the same as the "leaked ones", and then my eyes went to stats and real analysis.

Then the heart dropped. The first proper smile hit my face and relief flooded my body. I had passed everything! Part of me still feels that teeny weeny bit of something, which tells me that I could have done much better in algebra and pde's, had I revised efficiently for them. But given the circumstances in which I took the papers, and the fact that for the first time in my life I didn't complete a single paper, I will take the results I got. I'm still in disbelief and keep on checking campus problems, praying that my results haven't changed! (And I didn't do too badly in stats--phew). Nevertheless though, I didn't forget why I passed. There is only one reason as to why I passed and if you want to know, ask my mum. :)

I had to tell my PTs the good news and rushed to see them. My PT had been busy initially so I had gone to see Dr. C as I had seen him from the bridge. There I had picked the posters up, and grinning informed Dr. C that I was back. I am back. I had left the building before and I will take care not to do so again. I can do this. Even though I am still in disbelief about my results, and don't know what went on, I will have to keep at it. That energy returned in excess and I then rushed to see whether my PT was free again, and this time he was. He was disappointed at my real analysis mark, but then that's why he's my PT. :D I explained my horrible day to him, but kept it briefer than this post of course! Finally I went to see whether Prof. S was in today (although I had inkling he wouldn't be). He wasn't but I'll see him tomorrow hopefully.

You see I can only tell my PTs my result and my happiness, for only they understood my fears. They understood how my first semester had been blue and my struggles, without adding more pressure on me. That was all that was needed to make my day fantastic. My fears have been dispelled and determination is back in my blood. It was after I had collected the posters that Dr. E had asked me about the message on his board and after this I also spoke to Dr. W and Mik again. Indeed it seems Dr. W was finding herself in the same boat as myself, and I couldn't disguise my happiness at returning from the land of morbidness. My conversation with Mik was a continuation of yesterdays conversation, during which the Tweenies had corrected me and I had decided to keep quiet. It flowed pleasantly, and due to his words I might give Cauchy analysis another chance to get in my good books! (Too tired to write about other interesting things discussed).

So what now I wonder. This post has lost steam towards the end as sleep calls to me like a long lost friend. This week especially, due to exam results stress, I haven't studied, and I really need to do so. Maths students, never make the mistake of assuming a module is easy and hence not revising as much for it or doing enough work. I made that mistake last semester and hope not to make it again this semester.

The Galois Group will continue. I won't let it stop. Yes, I said "I"--shoot me. Tomorrow the posters must go up, and an email to the lecturers explaining why the posters will occupy a small portion of the black boards! That's my plan, to stick posters on the blackboards until the damn estate people reply to my email. I give them until tomorrow, and then I'm going to email a final person before sticking the posters up. Anything else that needs doing? Time will tell, but I have to stop doing certain things now as well. What to stop though is what needs to be decided. Hopefully I won't be having any bad dreams tonight, and if you're still reading I'm surprised you haven't fallen asleep yet!

I hope that any other students passed (whatever you classify that as) and got what you wanted. Exams and the amount we have are a curse to students. (Let's not mention their benefits now!) I hope to improve. :)

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