Friday, January 11, 2008

Same old, same old

Wow - it has been quite some time since I blogged! Truth be told I was scared of my blog. I still am scared, but found some courage to face it. I am also scared about going on the Manchester maths site to get my notes for modules. I have become scared of a lot of things recently.

I am stood in my shadow, looking for a way out. I didn't blog because I was behaving like a chicken. The blog brings to light the harsh reality which I have been hiding from. I don't know why, but when I am sat here typing, things just "come out". The truth hits home and an earthquake ripples through my body. The after shocks not far behind.

Standing in ones shadow, surrounded by darkness is depressing. I have brought this upon myself and so must suffer the consequences. I seem to have accepted my fate - that of failing. That of not meeting my own expectations. I will be failing myself because I have not dedicated time to my studies, and have not understood the material as the year progressed. One of my biggest strengths (one could say), or biggest things that I relied on, was the fact that I tried to make sure that I at least understood the material as the year progressed. Hence revision was just that--revision. I can't believe how badly I have not done that this semester.

Them thoughts are what cause the darkness of my shadow to grow without a bound. I can't get rid of this feeling of dread. Why am I not scared enough... enough to change the current course of my actions? I care but then I don't.

For the past few days a development about something has been happening. I had a decision to made and I made it. It was my decision to make and although people have been trying to dissuade me, I will not be changing my mind. This decision is one of the biggest I have made in my life. It is scary and at the same time exciting. The stress of this decision was enormous and has been on my head for the whole of the first semester. My ability to keep certain feelings buried doesn't seem to be that good after all. You might have noticed that I am being sly here. I am trying to "pin the blame" on something of course, apart from myself. However this decision has in truth been plaguing my life. If you recall I wished for myself to fail at most module last semester due to it, but then changed my mind.

The phrase "you should be careful what you wish for" springs to mind. Damn. Is that wish going to fulfill itself now? How do we go about canceling such wishes? I'm sure it's not quite like canceling a direct debit payment.. This plague will not go away now for a long time and I will be carrying it to the second semester too. I call it a plague because it has in some sense taken something from me. But I made the decision and will stand by it.

I think a combination of events has brought me to my knees. I can't describe the magnitude of this decision, but my heart, it doesn't know what to do. This confusion in my heart is making my head go AWOL (absent without leave). I am not in the right frame of mind for these exams. But still I refuse to accept failure, even though it has me on my knees.

The worst thing about standing in ones shadow, is that you see who and how you once were. Then you wonder what went wrong. After a while you are still wondering and you keep on wondering "what went wrong"? You can't point to one thing and accuse it for making you derail. Nope--everything came together and derailed you. I don't make new years resolution, but already I have made plenty of "new semester" resolutions.

I feel helpless to my programmed brain which doesn't want to revise. It does everything but revising. Thoughts of running in a large open field, or escaping to the mountains haunt me. Although pleasing, they bring the sad fact to light that there exists something which I want to escape from. Now you know the reason as to why I didn't want to blog. This blog is a bad blog.

On the other hand, something startling came to light as I was making my "new semester resolutions". I should blog more about maths topics that I study and post more maths content. Why, you ask. Well even though it takes longer to create them post, the content that I write about ends up making more sense. This is because when you write maths for others to possibly read, you have to firstly have a proper understanding of it yourself; and secondly writing it down for others to understand, helps you to understand it better. I don't have to write them everyday but it's an idea. (I say this due to my post on the theorem "If f is differentiable at a real number a, then f is continuous at a". Not wanting to jinx myself, but if I dare forget the proof of this theorem in the exam--you will always wonder about what happened to me!)

I wouldn't recommend that anyone consider being an organised mess. Although I happily advertise myself to be in one such mess, it is disastrous. My right hand has died on me and this post I have slowly tried to type with my left hand only. (There were large periods though when I got sick of how long it was taking and reverted to both hands!) I cant write with the pen in my right hand and so revision has become even more painful than normal. I have messed up wrists you see. My right wrist feels all jarred up and uncomfortable. Anyway, I had to continue trying to do some real analysis and let us see what you can deduce from the image below! (Might need clicking on.)

The image isn't clear due to the phone, but does that look like the writing of a seven year old, or does it?! I hope my hand feels better in the morning.

One thing that worried me is how everyone seems to think I will do OK in the end. Especially the folks. By disappointing myself, I will be disappointing many others too. I don't know which feels worse.

Anyway, the voice of doom will now return to the chair of doom. To all those who are currently having exams, or those whose exams will start on Monday, best of luck. I hope you are better prepared than I will be, and please don't mention any mountains or hills to me! I might want to start my donkey farm now you see... (You probably don't get what the heck I mean by that, but one day I will enlighten you. Pray that day never comes, for if it does then that means that I will actually be with donkeys in a farm!) Ha. It is so easy to amuse oneself at times, especially when they should be sleeping. If it snows really really really .... (i.e. (really)^n where n=1, 2, 3...) badly, do you think they might cancel the exams? I mean if the snow becomes waist high and you can't leave the house? Come on there must be something that we can do?!! (You are with me on this right?)

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