Thursday, January 17, 2008

Freedom with a hint of sadness

Never in my life have I stayed up the whole night before an exam to revise. Hence why it will not come as a surprise, that yesterday having made the intention of not sleeping, I slept for disjoint periods from 1-3am. Disjoint because although my heart willed me to revise, my brain couldn't take anything in. However, thoughts of falling asleep and not completing my revision were causing me heart problems! I made sure that the light was on and had ten million reminders on my phone. At 3am I finally shrugged of all fatigue and headed downstairs.

There is a reason why I always sleep first and then wake up to revise--this I noticed today.

I was in a mild panic for the past few days--nothing in numerical analysis was making sense and I just couldn't bring myself to revise Green's Theorems etc. Yesterday a feeling of dread overcame me: "Yes, I don't seem to care anymore, but still I don't want to fail!" It is the not caring business which has me worried.

Today for the first time in my life, I drank something truly disgusting which left an awful taste in my mouth. Any guesses? I do not have the heart to mention it here, and will take this shameful secret to my grave!! Ha, I had no choice. My eyes were drooping! That drink, some say, caused the day to go as it did.

I didn't want to go into university today. At 8am I felt that I should revise triple integrals, but stupidly hadn't printed the notes. I knew for a fact that I would answer all three questions from the first half of the course, so it was imperative that I could manipulate triple integrals.

It was 8:30am and my mobile phone rang. It was Bella asking me where I was. I was still at home, but surprisingly, was very calm about everything and not concerned about being "fashionably late". Well I wasn't intending on going late, but there is no harm in going early.

Why do I insist on beating around the bush? You see I feel sad when I think about the exam. I know I won't be getting at least 70%. I know this because when I sat that paper, I felt like it was an example class and I was just doodling around with some questions. I didn't have the right mental outlook on it, and wasn't disciplined. I also forgot to take my watch with me, which was most distressing. (I don't wear a watch any longer, but tend to carry my favourite (and sadly broken) watch to exams with me, so I can keep a "closer" eye on the time.)

Two questions I was able to do nicely. The other two I was only half able to complete. And the final one. Well that was the biggest joke in the planet. I did have a panic in the exam, when my answer wouldn't match the one asked for. I worked it out in a million different ways, and still I kept on getting the wrong answer. This coupled with me not having my watch, made me lose track of time. The sad thing is that during the exam I stopped trying for a brief moment. I gave up. Normally you go out till the end, and sometimes you get lucky and remember something. I gave up with the question on Stokes equation. My answer was barely readable, and didn't make any sense whatsoever.

Sigh. The sadness is also closely related to the fact that had I done "such a such" thing, I could have had a good exam like Bella. Had I revised rigorously and the way it is expected of me, I would have been feeling less sad. Two questions from the numerical analysis side were from one of the example sheet. I was shocked to say the least! I hadn't been able to complete them on the example sheet, and so a few expletives escaped me. I had to do one of the two and neither looked appealing. In the end I did one but didn't complete the last part of it.

We are all just hoping for generous scaling now. I still want to have to done enough, but I know that I am just kidding myself. During the exam all I could think about (during moments of day dreaming!) was: "This is my LAST ever applied maths exam, if all goes well". Well that is the last time I hope to sit a numerical analysis exam, but knowing Sod's law, I best not get too happy. I think I have done enough to not have to resit the module (touch wood), which is why I have been pleasing myself with thoughts of how to properly dispose of my numerical analysis notes! Bella, being the voice of reason as always, told me that I might need them one day. Although that thought makes me shudder, I can only muse about destroying them, and not actually do anything.

Now I have three days to revise Algebra from scratch. I haven't revised anything for algebra, but in my heart, I hope that I am able to present myself better in this exam. It is not only me who is sick of everything. We all were, and it was nice meeting up again in the AT building, talking about random things. (After of course dissecting the paper, me with my head in my hands!) We ended up sitting for quite some time, but the less people in that building, the better (at times). Well I guess I'm saying that because of my reluctance to go in today, even though I had to!

It's also amusing how all of us are already saying what we are going to do differently next semester! I can't explain what is wrong with. Why do I seem to have lost this fear of some sort? Ah well, as I explained to Fizz, it is due to the course material of this semester. That seems to be the only friendly thing that I can blame!

I am in an argumentative mood. I want to have a "heated" discussion with someone. I guess this is because I am tired, and thus either become withdrawn or overly hyper. I will sleep now, but please, I don't want to see any more a_n's and b_n's floating around. (I was asked for the definition of something, and wrote everything BUT what the answer was.)

Exams-- I hate them with a passion. Especially when I don't study properly for them! Monday=algebra and Tuesday=real & complex. Anyone want so swap places?


miah said...

it wasn't coffee that you drank was it? try pro plus if you wanna stay awake

Beans said...

Haha - it's a shame that we can't edit comments on blogger as you can on wordpress! (The temptation to write that as "c*****" is too much).

You're right by the way. I think it might have worked because although I had only had three hours of sleep, I didn't knock out until 11pm!

Pro plus--is that any worse than c****?