Thursday, December 20, 2007

The worst days of my life

I want university to start again. The sooner this holiday ends the better. If only next Monday lectures commenced.

On Monday I was found complaining about my exam timetable, and indeed the whole day was wasted due to my silliness of not revising until I had the timetable. Now my conclusion in the post title isn't a result of the timetable. On Monday night my cousin thought that her five(?) months old son had meningitis. This was at 11:30pm and so I ended up rushing to her house to babysit her other children, whilst she went to the hospital. I had taken my book with me, but still it had been a very tedious wait. At 2am they were still at the hospital and so I ended up crashing out at her house.

In the morning I was understandably very tired and was infuriated as she woke me up at 8 o clock! (The little tyke is in the all clear by the way). Annoyed at the inconsiderateness of herself, I tried to get back to sleep only to be woken up again. In the end I went home at 9ish and slept there for an hour. Then it was the dentists turn who I now owe 15 quid for a check up. So much for being students eh? I hadn't had time for breakfast, but straight after my check up chocolate had found itself in my mouth.

After the dentist it was hope hospital. I hate that place. I hated having to go there on a Tuesday just because I happened to be free since University has ended. I was at the hospital till 3ish, and finally got home at 4pm. The hospital further confirms my relief for not doing anything medicine related. Even if I am in excruciating pain, I would probably not go to the doctor or hospital. That is how much I hate them.

If things were bad up till now, here is where they got worse. At 6pm(ish) my using and abusing cousin rang again. It was her eldest sons production at school and she wanted to attend. Will someone be able to look after her other children? "NO" I had screamed in my head, yet I found myself at her house with the two tykes. This time I took some maths with me (and useless company).

The production was meant to last an hour. She came back at 9pm - taking the biscuit - and didn't even give a damn that her son had been bawling his eyes out. I am no baby expert, and later I was told that he was hungry! How the heck am I supposed to know this? For half an hour I had been holding him because he had been crying. As soon as I sat down he began bawling again. It was absurd. I was starving, and so were her children and she had gone shopping (which takes how long?) That is called taking advantage and once again taking the biscuit. (Shockingly the crying baby had eventually fallen asleep).

There you have my reason as to why people with children sometimes make me angry. She has a responsibility to her children at home too. My cousin is annoying if I may say so myself, and has a weird take on things. As discussions go, we had talked about university. She seemed to be of the opinion, "I am going to let my boys do whatever makes them happy." In exasperation I was screaming: "But you can't say that!" GAH. Sometimes it is pointless to argue with some people.

After I came home that night something happened which resulted in me going to sleep without any food. More of that in a minute but my early new years resolution is: I am NEVER going to babysit for her again. I don't want her appreciation and thanks, but she seems to think that whenever she shouts "babysitter" I will jump. You can't say no to her. One of her kids is a cool dude, but still the past two days have been enough to last me a lifetime. I didn't mind helping her, but as I said she abused the fact that we had an agreement. (That is an empty resolution for I can already see it breaking).

Now to the killer question - why haven't I posted for the past few day? Understandably Tuesday was a busy day, but I was meant to post my timetable on that night. I came home to learn that K9 has been installed (I refuse to link this but google k9 and scroll to the fourth object). It wasn't installed for me obviously, but for the younger members. However since no one knows about my blog this put me in a difficult situation indeed. I couldn't breathe fire at this revelation, for due to the current climate it was needed. But this has seriously limited everything I can do! I didn't know how it worked on Tuesday, and thought it logged every page that was accessed using the router; hence why I slept without eating on Tuesday (in anger)!

Today though I learn that you have to install it on the computer for it to monitor everything (please tell me this is so!) If not... then troubles a brewing. Due to this I don't know how often I will be blogging now, but I am angry because of the cause of this. Noddy couldn't understand why I was really angry, and I couldn't exactly say "I have a blog fool". If it wasn't for this blog I would be OK. Maybe it is a sign that I should ease posting for a while (pffft!) Indeed if I have to post at this time of the morning, a decrease in posting might just be a natural consequence of my current circumstances!

I did say "days of my life" and so I might as well mention today (i.e. Wednesday since I haven't slept yet).

Due to my forgetfulness things went wrong today. I hate the fact that whenever I make a mistake, someone has to point out that I study maths. What has that got to do with anything? Today was a day of realisations. I have no idea where I am going in life, but I know that I am going in the wrong direction. I tried correcting this today but failed. The sad thing in life is that no matter how much you try to make certain people happy, they won't ever be happy. You will break a leg in the process maybe, but still something will still not be right. Why bother then, with trying to make people happy, or a particular person? Emotions are something which I have a limited amount off. They are of a cyclic nature. I feel happy, sad, enthusiastic, drained and angry. Any other word like empty are just different words describing the same thing. Maybe I say this now because my current state can be described as wooden and empty?

I don't really know what I am rambling about, but a frown is safely nesting on my forehead. I read somewhere recently that when studying maths you should keep three problems in your head: A mega hard one, a medium one and an easy one. You should always try to relate anything new you read etc. to these three problems in your head. My future aspirations now have similar categories.

The impossible but most desired aspiration is what I sometimes discuss with PS - the condition on when he will stop reminding me about the "no order"(!) incident. I add the word impossible to this desire with a heavy heart. Life it seems has become full of sacrifices. This is another one of them which I might have to make, and maybe I should plan on making this sacrifice rather than believing it to be possible. That goes against my nature because still in my heart, I hope that I am able to do this impossible of tasks.

The medium one is connected to the impossible one but on a smaller scale, yet I will label it as impossible. Let us say that this is like being given an endless supply of tea for a year. (Whereas my impossible aspiration is tea for three years and more!) The trivial aspiration remaining is to pass my degree with a decent grade. This one is possible which is why it doesn't hurt my brain as much as the other two.

Are you convinced that I am crazy? Normality, as I have often said, is something which I think about and disregard. Namely because then I wouldn't be my crazy self. However now I want peace. I want everything which is causing my head to hurt to stop. I want everyone to stop having weird expectations of me, so when I can't meet them it doesn't matter. My bubble is slowly popping. Where did I go wrong? I have certain expectations of others, but why is it not a big deal when they let me down? Maybe everyone was having a bad day today? (Although as I said, I deserve most of the blame for forgetting two things).

Negativity is everywhere. Today was just horrible. Farmer they say, with plenty of donkeys. That is what I will be doing in a few years time. The first time I found this funny. The nth time I don't. It is important that I look outside the box. I wish that I had something physical to do at this moment in time, or something to distract myself from my depressing thoughts. I don't feel 19. Heck I don't feel seven today! I hate people who keep on reminding me about what I can't do considering my age.

I wonder what it would be like if I swapped places with someone for a day?

The volcano inside me is wanting to erupt. It needs to erupt rapidly rather than these slow bursts. But how does a volcano erupt without hurting anyone? I better get to sleep now (it's 4:45am) for I will be behind a wheel tomorrow. That is another thing which I have been doing this year, but not mentioning for childish reasons. Anyway, I will be talking about this henceforth for it has been something fun (and dangerous!) but worth mentioning. Playing computer games does not mean you can drive a real car. There I said it, but I have a cool instructor so maybe the damage won't be too bad tomorrow. (It's in the morning as well!)

Is a conclusion needed? Well the only thing that I can say is that I need to sort my head out so I can revise. My head doesn't need "sorting" in that way, but I need to process the three criteria for my aspirations. Indeed one of them should get me to start revising when processed, and the other two... well life is never going to be easy. My priorities are all over the place. Oh a final thing: I need to EAT!

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