Tuesday, December 25, 2007

One week down and a finite amount left...

Writing helps? Well I don't know, does it? Will writing about how evil, disgusting and vile probability and statistics is help me? Will it make me revise 12 lectures in a day? So how does writing help then?

A week has gone by and my depressing post will prove to be scroogified (as expected). I don't know what's wrong with me. Why don't I care anymore? I seem to have stopped caring which is worrying. I sit downstairs and think to myself... "I will revise in 10 minutes." 10 minutes later I say the same thing again. This continues until it is 7pm and I think - dang the day is over! Why can't I revise?

I am not in exam and revision mode - that's what the problem is. How can I get myself in the right frame of mind? I know for a fact that stats is not helping one bit. Maybe I shouldn't have revised it first. Maybe I should have revised algebra first to get myself into that mode. It is because of stats and numerical analysis that I don't care anymore. They have numbed my mathematical senses. The feelings of delight and joy are rare. I feel like I am forcing the mathematical excitement nowadays. It has abandoned me.

Last year during my first semester exams I was in a similar state. I couldn't stand set theory and hated it as well as stats. Consequently I had a depressing exam period (which thankfully no one heard about!) My second semester though was infinitely better last year. Yes - my revision wasn't great but I enjoyed each and every module that I was studying. That enjoyment generated the excitement and energy and made me want to revise.

This is torture though. I DON'T WANT TO STUDY ANY STATS MODULES IN THE FUTURE! Yes you heard correctly - I don't, so why then do I have to do this bleeding module? The same applies for numerical analysis. Do they want to kill our mathematical delights and excitement? Do they want us to run away from the subject?

I honestly cannot look at my work and notes with the same enthusiasm as I once have. This is a temporary thing I hope, but it is worrying. My this year counts which puts the added pressure of doing well in stats this time (as opposed to last year). Everyone keeps on sayings things like "oh but you will be OK in the end." They are on auto pilot and I have stopped exclaiming that I am not revising.

The difference this year has also been that I have not kept up to date with my work as lectures progressed. My technique has always been to listen in lectures and then go home and try to understand. Once understood "file away" until revision time. The only module which I hope to have dodgily done this with is real analysis and areas of algebra. The other four put me in a very bad position indeed. I am not revising but learning the material now, which is what is killing my senses. I don't want to learn about bivariate distributions - they make me want to cry. I can't understand stats for the life of me. I have messed up really badly this semester.

Headaches have a funny knack of appearing as soon as I enter my room to revise. I am honestly going insane with worry because I can't and am not revising. My artificial understanding of all my modules is crippling me. What must I do? I have three weeks left to sort myself out. I have isolated myself from everyone because all they talk about is revision which reminds me of my sad plight. To see someone pretend to be happy when they are actually sad is another depressing thing - this I witnessed yesterday.

I am getting scared about something which is going to happen next year. I don't know what to do anymore. But then I remind myself, some things have to be done in life. They just have to be done - for Bob and Wendy. I wish for a series of unfortunate events to happen so that things get delayed. But then again, as someone pointed out to me - if I let things pan out the way they most likely will, I might end up doing what I discuss with PS. But the question I now ask myself is - do I still want to that considering my lack of care for my studies? My lack of care for most things?

How does one filter out everything in ones head? Maybe that is what the person meant when he said "writing helps". Pile of cack if you ask me. He was just making excuses for there not being a very good filtering system available. Maybe if you dilute everything and then ... whoops - let me check that with my chemistry teacher first. I find myself crumbling into nothing. Time flashes by and I am found running after it in panic. Sigh. What a wonderful day its going to be today.

To end this gloomy post, here is something (funny?) that I found on the Internet:

"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the Winter Solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or the secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

Also, have a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Europe great (not to imply that Europe is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "Europe" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and the warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish, at the sole discretion of the wisher. Should tidings generally accepted as good not be experienced by the wishee during the warranted period, then this wish is null and void. This greeting has
no cash value.)"

And no - I didn't read it all myself! I am not that much of a misery gut so I hope everyone is having a nice Christmas break. (Bah Humbug!)

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