Thursday, October 11, 2007

Oscillating Thursdays?

So what have we here: Thursdays have become Fridays it seems. As always when one has a 'tantrum' of some sort, they tend to feel sheepish later on. Blogging about such tantrums is surprisingly good, but in future I will just type such posts and not post them! (That will save me future embarrassment for sure). The basis for my outburst was valid I believe (although some may not agree), and even now the reason behind it can cause me some distress. However, on this occasion it is my resigned outburst. All I can do is play around with what I have, and hope for the best consequences due to what happened.

What happened indeed. Just something that I had hoped to happen next week sometime, when I was ready for it myself. This 'thing' is giving me unwanted stress because now I cannot 'predict' a certain outcome. One can never predict such things, but still... actually I will stop here, and just summarise using Maths (I have had enough of this problem for a day!) A set consisting of some objects existed. Now a subset within this set existed which had the power of expanding the set. However, the objects not in this 'other subset' had no such powers for the time being. Soon this whole set was going to be expanding universally, but before that could happen the set behaved badly: i.e. one object not belonging to the subset, entered it. Hows that sound?

Now onto other things. I was glad (not in the happy and gleeful way!) that I am not the only one having flu problems. All todays lectures were filled with many other people who weren't feeling too great - Fizz is feeling worse than I am! Thankfully I am on the mend now (since I no longer drag my feet anymore), so hopefully by mid-next week I will be fully back to normal. That is, I should be at least sleeping properly and hence doing my work, which will hopefully reduce my stress load.

After I recovered from my outburst, I realised something. I did mention being an unbounded spirit in my previous post, but I think this is not evident. I was lost in thought for quite a few parts of the day today, and during this thought I realised why some friction might have arisen. Due to my desire to study more at university (which is causing me to dislike the AT building, as time goes by) and involve myself with something else, 'fun' time has decreased. It is not understood that maths time and this other thing time is FUN time for me. I am loving every minute of it, and I even love complaining about stats if I may say so myself. GAH. Please don't think that I like being stressed out (so to speak) about such matters, because I don't. They are just thrown at me and I do not know how to respond, apart from throwing them in the cupboard.

This post is going to be long by the way, since I am in a mood for questions and thoughts at this moment. Since I have fallen behind in example sheets, I hadn't done all the questions on problem sheet 2 for algeb. structures. That is why I was annoyed at myself during the class, for not having done the questions. The second question I would have been able to do, but the first one would have been a friendly challenge. Thankfully only two questions were done, and so I can try to get more done for next week. I have learnt my lesson from copying solutions from the back of the book, or other people. I learnt it the hard way, but nevertheless it is a lesson I am grateful towards. I now resent the notion of looking at answers before doing the problems. Even if I am stuck, I hate looking at the answers and prefer asking my lecturers. The struggle is what it's all about! The book doesn't give you proper explanations or motivations at times.

But as Bella and Milo said, I am supposedly a 'passionate' person. Bella is passive as deduced by herself, and Milo sits in the middle of the fence. Bella is brilliant at motivating herself, and me not as much. My passion for maths is what is probably carrying me through my degree, which depends a LOT on my lecturers. So much for training myself to become slightly independent...


Now let us just ignore the top part of this post. My day significantly improved after Algeb. structures (as expected), but for more than one reason. It is the discussion that happened afterwards which is still ticking in my head. I spoke a lot of home truths today, some which very few people know. It wasn't 'deeply buried secrets', but more of my ambitions in life, and where I currently stand. I don't know whether you recall, but ages ago I mentioned something more important than me studying maths. (Yes something does exist I am afraid).

Today I found myself saying this. It is a sheepish aspiration one could say, but one that I have desired for quite some time: probably before I started my degree. I don't know why, but this thing is one thing that I really want to happen. I can't explain this, but as scary as this thing is, it is amazing too. I probably sounded really weird today, but this thing somehow conflicts with wanting to do further studies after hopefully graduating. It is possible to maybe do both at the same time, which is what Bella always tells me, but I shouldn't worry too much about that now. However, I don't think one can easily do both such tasks - it requires hard work. What would be the case if I was normal? I don't really like considering such things, but on cloud nine it is easy to plot ones life where external conditions tend to zero, so you are free to do as you please.

I felt comfortable talking about such things. The conversation felt proper. Sometimes it is hard for me to explain to others, about where I come from in certain situations. I probably didn't communicate well this time round, but nevertheless this conversation had me thinking. I shrugged as I walked away, about the endless choices that can be made. Nowadays thoughts of struggling with further studies no longer frighten me. Thanks to certain people, I look forward to that struggle. But if I want to do this other thing, for now my focus has to be on teaching. I have to force myself to think this way, and only aspire to do further studies further on (which will probably be more difficult and my position towards maths may change!)

Anyway, I no longer get depressed by such thoughts. Does one stay within ones limit, or does one try to diverge? (Excuse any appalling mistakes I am making in using maths language!) I mean, do I sit down and decide to reduce friction by doing teaching or fight for further studies. Damn me. Now that is depressing.

People find it weird that I can talk to my lecturers: I mean have proper conversations or joke about with them. Is that really weird? I mean I like my lecturers, they are cool people and mathematicians at the end of the day too! Last year I think I was scared of my fellow undergraduate students. I was scared because I used to love maths and... well no one knew about this. Last year I would always wait before approaching lectures, for everyone to leave. My classmates did make me slightly nervous. This year I am no longer (as!) afraid. I don't care what they want from their degrees, and how they want this. I also don't care that they think I am a freak, for having conversations and joking around with my lecturers. When talking to my lecturers, I don't feel the need to hide my mathematical passion. This is most pleasing, and one can also learn a lot.

So many thoughts are praying on mind at the moment, and thinking about the future is very depressing. Before university I wanted to do teaching. Not knowing what to do next is surprisingly unsettling. Where's that closet got to?

Before I end, I will say that I am glad that I talk to PS and other lecturers. (Although they probably think otherwise!) They have made a major difference to my university education and my ambitions. That is why I am keen for them to do something, but time will tell. (Developments have been happening, and now I just need to talk to one more person and the piece things together).

I hope tomorrow is not oscillating as well!

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