Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Freak attack

I'm sorry but all I can blog about is my exams! I'm having a freaking out attack so to speak. Linear Algebra is on Thursday. I've only revised till the co-ordinate vector bit, but have to do the change of basis business. Why am I freaking- I couldn't answer the questions! I have to revise all of linear transformations tomorrow, and I'm beginning to think it's not possible. I don't know what's more important- learning the proofs or being able to answer the questions! You see when I revise I have to start from a and work my way to z. I hate missing bits out and not doing things properly. Hence why I'm slightly panicking. I might have to just miss a few letters out this time round- I mean ultimately I should be able to answer the questions! How else can I expect to sit the exam.

I think I've foolishly made the same mistake as last time and tried to learn the proofs of the Lemmas. Sigh. I've become hulk like at the moment. Sleep seems the natural thing to do, but with a racing heart that is painful. And what makes it worse is all I think about with my eyes closed is how much I have yet to revise. Maybe I haven't got a 'useful' revision technique which works, but normally doing things a to z seems to work. I guess time has beaten me this time round. My plan now is to tomorrow morning wake up early, and do the change of basis stuff ASAP. Then work through linear transformations, kernel, range, isomorphisms, matrix of a transformations, similarity etc. Yes it sounds like a mouthful- so you can understand why I'm freaking out! 'So much to do so little time...' Ha that was a song tune for the show with the twins that I sometimes watched. (ahem) Made me smile though.

Hopefully, that's all I can do now, I will have finished revising everything by tomorrow night. Then 3am on Thursday morning I will work through the past papers, problem sheets etc. The damn exam had to be in the morning. :( I do sometimes wish that I had a better memory, because the problem I'm having now is that every other minute I just randomly jot down something which I learnt yesterday- say the orthogonal decomposition theorem. That's not very handy, since it's time consuming. I'm scared that I've forgotten what I've learnt. I sit at the table eating my food slowly, but reciting the theorems in my head! I do look quite a spectacle, since today I just paused for more than 10 seconds with the fork near my mouth!

I know the best thing to do is to stay calm, but I can't. I'm ashamed to say it, but I suffer from 'anxiety attacks' but they only surface exam time. The thing which makes me freak out is the fact that I feel unprepared for this exam, and obviously the markers. I create this pressure bubble for myself, and then I expect myself to survive. Am I stressed- most definitely! I just can't wait for Friday, when I'll have at least 10 days of breathing loosely. Maybe it's my fault that I didn't do things properly first time around and didn't organise my time better? Lot's of maybes, but the prospect of failing is another thing which causes panic. I can't see myself coming through this 'alive' so to speak.

Gah- once again sorry! I was hoping that by getting things out of my 'system' here, I'd be able to feel slightly calmer and so head of to bed. Not working. The thing is that I know if I revise properly then I'd feel prepared for the exam and would be calmer. My revision is being rushed. Some things are clicking and I've had lots of 'Eureka' moments, but it's a little late now. Another gah, if I may. I'm a stress head I'm afraid- especially exam time. I guess this is normal but alas I hope I can last till Thursday and not bite every ones head off! If only everything was pushed forward a week or if indeed Bernard's watch existed. Sigh.

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