Sunday, May 13, 2007

Demons

My room has unwanted visitors. They sit close by when I'm sat at my desk- breathing heavily on my neck, telling me to move. I remain stubborn and don't move - they don't scare me. Yet now as I'm sat typing this post, I feel defeat. I'm made of stronger material than this, I scream to myself- I know I can beat the so and sos. At least that's what I'm telling myself now. As always with unwanted guests, they're not very pleasant. They create a sharp pressure in my forehead- forcing me to close my eyes and rest my head peacefully on my books. Satisfied they withdraw and watch me struggle with my other inner demons.

I lethargically overcome this struggle and raise my head, shaking of the loud pressure. However my movements are slow, I'm weakening. Sensing this weakness they return, but there's more of them this time round. They want me down and out for the count. Once again I look around for help-the door being the only exit route, looks encouraging. I can't help it. Quickly closing my books, putting the lid on my pen, head hung low and shoulders slumped, I leave my room to these unwanted guests. My head feels constrained. It's been clamped tightly. I struggle to focus, and will the pain to disappear.

Outside my room, suddenly I feel lighter. The pressure has decreased but nevertheless it remains. A cup of tea, I feel will do the trick. Maybe an apple and a sandwich will do nicely as well. I don't feel hungry, but what else can I do? The food doesn't help but it makes me feel at ease for a while. I slowly return to my room- head screaming in pain. I feel that someone is standing in front of the door on the other side, not letting me open it. My books sit as they did when I left. Papers scattered everywhere. Now my ear aches. The chapter on Linear transformations on the first half of the course, smiles at me- encouragingly. I strain a smile back. It's going to be ok, the page says, get through this chapter and then all you have left to recap is eigenvalues, eigenvectors and diagonalization. It encourages me and I foolishly fall in it's trap.

I'm once again sat at my desk, and obviously the evil demons return again. I glare at linear transformations- wishing I'd gone with my instincts to avoid them. If only that chapter didn't exist, I moan, then I would have already started revising the second half of the course. My eyes fall upon the exam timetable. Thursday 9:45am. I have three days to learn- not recap- the second half of the course. I can do it, I mutter to myself, but then I see that we have sequences and series on the Friday after. 'Sub sequence strategy for showing a sequence diverges' I recite to myself. *Slap* That wasn't the demons BTW. Sense knocked into me, I will myself to ignore sequence and series. It's Linear Algebra that I must now focus on.

All this time, the demons are having a drink and laughing cruelly at me. I look at the paper again and realise, that the only way I'm going to get through linear transformation is, if I read the pages as quickly as possible without trying to make sense of what they say. I do this-ignoring the pain in my head- but then I'm stopped before I can finish. The demons have a new ally- the neighbours dog. Inside I scream at it to shut up, whilst a sharp sigh escapes my mouth. I look out of the window- hoping to find the dog. Maybe if I glare at it, it will cower in fear and go inside? There are lots of reasons why I prefer cats, and this is one of them. I can't control myself. I stand up suddenly and close my window shut with a bang- hoping that it'll sense my anger. They're meant to be intelligent creatures right?

The window shut makes me feel claustrophobic once again, and the demons close in around me. My head becomes heavier and heavier and once again drops onto my books. I close my eyes, and wonder what is wrong with me? Why is it that my head hurts? Why can't I revise? I wonder what have I done differently today? I woke up slightly earlier to revise, but that normally means I become 'hyper' not dead. Is it the weather? No, it cant be. There's someone else in my room I conclude. Whenever I sit at my desk, they come and sit by me- pestering me until I can no longer revise and have to leave. I'm being kicked out of my own room by an invisible enemy, one which is deadly. I'm not scared of this enemy- I'm worried of the pain which it is causing my head. Banging my head against the wall no longer cures my headaches. In the same way that drug dosages have to be increased, I'm looking for a new cure.

I wonder, is there any point in sitting at my desk and trying to fight these demons, when I'm not learning anything. I look at my notes and the words play and hide and seek with me. Don't they understand that I'm in no mood for games? The dog has gone inside now and my window opens again. I start talking to myself. 'The composition.... blah blah blah'. It's not making sense. I can't take the pain anymore. I no longer rest my head on my books. I close the book and exit the room again. How long is this going to continue? How do I explain this weird sensation that my head is feeling, which seems alien to me! I feel someones evil eye has rested upon me. Sauron maybe, but what would he want with an ickle bean like me? Who is this someone? Maybe I can ask Sauron for help.. but then again maybe not. I don't have the time for that.

I escape to the comfort of my mum. It doesn't work this time round- she herself is not feeling well. Everything seems cold and the only warmth I get is by sitting at my desk, and that I can no longer do! I'm at a loss as to what to do. Maybe I should bite the bullet and have a nurofen? That seems the chicken thing to do, but I am no longer able to battle these demons. I will hunt that evil person down another day, but today I must hurry and finish recapping the first half of the course and get started on the second.

If you haven't managed to make sense of the above, then basically every time I sit at my desk my head starts pounding. It's strange how whenever I sit on my chair the pain seems to increase in magnitude. Who doesn't want me to revise? I was even good today and woke up earlier. I was going to be good and not post for a while as well, but alas it's a waste of time sitting at my desk forcing myself to 'revise'. The only phrase ringing through my head is 'the sky is falling, the sky is falling!', indeed that's what it feels like as well. I will now again look to food for help, but alas I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. :(

4 comments:

Jake said...

Wow, that was a dark sounding post! It started off sounding almost like something by Edgar Allan-Poe. Maybe you could try taking the evening off, watching a film and getting an early night and waking up early tommorow renewed and ready to revise.

Other than that; best of luck with your revision and exams.

beans said...

*Googles Edgar Allan-Poe* 'I looked upon the scene before me - upon the mere house, and the simple landscape features of the domain - upon the bleak walls - upon the vacant eye-like windows - upon a few rank sedges - and upon a few white trunks of decayed trees - with an utter depression of soul which I can compare to no earthly sensation more properly than to the after-dream of the reveller upon opium - the bitter lapse into everyday life - the hideous dropping off of the veil. There was an iciness, a sinking, a sickening of the heart - an unredeemed dreariness of thought which no goading of the imagination could torture into aught of the sublime. What was it - I paused to think - what was it that so unnerved me in the contemplation of the House of Usher?'

Wow you're right, although obviously he's a master of the arts!(Hadn't heard of him before!)


I've taken the best part of the morning of you see! And I'm sat here hoping for my headache to fly away. :/ But you're right, a movie sounds good, and I've been meaning to watch casino royale for a while! I'll see how the next hour flows about. :p

Thanks and best of luck to you too. :)Hope they go well and we'll share stories on how much of a pain exams are!

Jake said...

Wow you're right, although obviously he's a master of the arts!(Hadn't heard of him before!)


Yes, I love his poem 'The Raven' http://www.heise.de/ix/raven/Literature/Lore/TheRaven.html

But you're right, a movie sounds good, and I've been meaning to watch casino royale for a while!

I saw that in the cinema when it came out; I quite enjoyed it, I prefered it to the last couple of Bond films anyhow.

Thanks and best of luck to you too. :)Hope they go well and we'll share stories on how much of a pain exams are!

I still have two more weeks of lectures yet! Although we don't really get much revision time - the exams start straight after the end of module tests.

beans said...

It's a pretty long poem isn't it! :D


Yes, it was a quite good movie, but not sure whether I'd prefer it to the previous few. It's not made of the same material if that makes sense!


Two more weeks! That's rather lucky! I suppose that they expect you to revise for the end of module tests, so when it comes to the exam revision it won't be too much of a burden? So whens it 'technically' speaking your last day?