Saturday, April 21, 2007

Expectation

Is it bad that the first thing I'm going to warn you about is that I don't mean expectation, which you encouter in stats? I mean I claim to 'dislike' stats, yet I seem to recall this! Ok maybe that's because I've been typing my stats coursework up today, but still! I finished the coursework and the document has 30 errors, 5 warnings and a couple more bad boxes. Oh and I haven't done the last question which requires a sentence or two about which estimator is the best. Most likely will write a lot of mumboo jumbo for that, but apart from the that it looks good.

So what expectation am I talking about? Well what other type of 'expectation' does there exist? (I bet someone is going to tell me some other type!). I'm talking about our own expectations of course.

The other day as I was bouncing about, after battling with Matlab of course, I bumped into my personal tutor. We had a chat about maths of course, and the prospect of failing was mentioned. I joked about failing and my PT said that I wouldn't like that. I agreed and then the word expectations was brought up.

You see everyone has there own expectations. You have yours, I have mine and the next person has theres. I believe initially these expectations are a result of other people's expectations of you.

Now I don't know where to begin. (Obviously from the beginning would be a nice idea!). Anyway, in my case primary school was without any pressure whatsoever. Oops a lie- you had your teachers expectations. For the year 6 Sats that is, but I think that the scale of this expectation was pretty small. I mean results seemed insignigicant then, Mrs H obviously wanted me to get a level 5 in maths but it was no big deal, a level 4 would've been great as well.

Then it's secondary school. Slowly you're building yourself a whole list of expectations. OK. Once again I must pause. It's not been the best of days I must admit. In secondary school the expectations of your parents begin. They only actually kick in during the exam time. I mean since I'm not the eldest one can say that I have that other extra expectation on me. Its never bothered me but I've always been compared to Noddy. Well I used to get really annoyed when teachers used to always compare us, but apart from that we got by. It must have been worse for Noddy.

So you have your parents expectations and on top of this your teachers expectations. You never realise that these other peoples expectations are now your own. You've set yourself a marker, a marker which indicates the acceptable level of how you can 'perform'. So for English maybe you set yourself a B, however your English teacher pushes the marker to an A. In Maths you set the marker at A grade, but then the teacher pushes the marker up to A*. Luckily the marker can always be pushed forward.

So you continue through life, carrying everyone's expectations on board. I mean I can't possibly see how my expectations are my own. They are due to my parents and teachers and other people. Not a bad thing of course, since I'd rather get my markers pushed forward rather than have them move back or stay idle. In my case there is also another form of motivation which I will discuss some other time. However at this moment in time, when I'm feeling slightly despondent, I want to distance myself from these expectations.

Truth be told, having these expectations has been a motivation of some sort. You know coming home and showing my report card to my dad used to make me happy. I aimed for that. Making the teachers happy with my grades. We become dependent on these expectations, they give us happiness but of course other 'bad' things as well which we forget in that moment of happiness.Have I set myself up for a big fall? You see now in university it's all about my expectations. These expectations are what will determine how I do. I have my own marker down. But then you have my aunty who has put her marker down, and other people who put their markers down. Why do people do this?

I'm in a pressure bubble at the moment. I'm fighting these expectations. Ultimately everyone elses expecatations are now my own. My marker has been contaminated. In this moment in time, the only person who cares so much about where that marker is me. I'm worried about 'not hitting' the marker. As my personal tutor said, not meeting your own expectations is the worst thing. But the funny thing is that by not meeting your own expectations you don't meet anyone elses.

I have my expectations. I know that I'd like to pass. However not just by getting 40%. Failing may seem unrealistic to some people, however if I don't hit my marker I fail. I aim to hit my marker, but I feel that maybe I'll have to content my self by just missing it.

I've now hit the point where I've become stressed. It feels crap. The bad thing is that in my case I 'stop eating' proper food, which makes it worse. (food=> energy). I've not been feeling well today, and maybe everything has hit me at once. I really want to finish this final lap, but I'm slowing down. You see there is one other motivation for me to fail at most one exam. It's complicated - the motivation that is- and I must confess that for a second it seemed tempting to fail at most one exam. Not because I wouldn't have revised for it, but due to some other reason. As you can imagine that didn't go down too well with my 'expectation' level, so I must resort to being a chicken and attempting to pass the exam. I'm actually quite glad that my EL kicked in then, because failing sucks.

Maybe united drawing against boro could also describes my mood. The headaches not helping, but in the Linear Algebra lecture I had though to myself that we can never trust boro. They're $£%^&*()(*&^%$%^&* (lots of angry words- kids might be reading :D!) and they always have a thing against us. Anyway one can always hope that Chelsea will lose tomorrow... right? We're not winning anything this season. Too many injuries and I just can't but help feel that Chelsea have been teasing us all season.

I happened to feast my eyes on a past paper today, which also explains my mood. I mean why do we create this pressure bubble for ourselves? Or is that only me? It feels that way anyway! I mean, you're all probably thinking 'there goes that freak again' but don't you have your bubble? I want to pop mine- I don't want to care .... Yes that's a load of codswallop. I want a lot of things actually. New trainers, a digital camera, maths books etc. They're things I can get- but that bubbles never going to pop.

I only really become a worry head since my Biology GCSE. Believe it or not before that this bubble never affected me. It was in the distant, only cropping up when I didn't hit my marker, but end of the year exams didn't matter as much. Since my Biology GCSE I've suffered from the bubble being close by most of the time. Especially when it's exam time!

It seems that this post is pretty messed up. I want to write one thing but end up writing another. I keep on writing words like were instead of where and you get the point. Here's a quote which I found 'interesting':

Memorization is what we resort to when what we are learning makes no sense.
Anonymous


Maybe it's about time I did some of that. I'm sorry, I've not been clear. You see exam stress is normal- it's this other thing which is ticking me off and that's bothering me so much. It something which I have no control over and is causing me a great deal of distress. This thing is also another reason which I have been distracted. This combined with exam stress doesn't make a good combination. You see whenever I think about this thing, which I unfortunately would like to keep to myself, I think about deliberately failing at most one exam. But then I can't do that.

OK, it's time I got a grip. I've got a better idea- let's blame everything on my mechanics homework! :D Yes, that made me smile. I've finally finished the coursework, typed it up as well. Thought I'd do all my homeworks today so that I could revise for the test tomorrow. Didn't get far with the questions and well the question sheet has seen better days. It's vectors you see- they don't like me. But I played some cricket which made it slightly better- bowled a 'beauty' of a delivery! Where's Paddy's lounge when you need it?

Once again apologies for a duh duh post- I'm probably going to edit it later with more concrete stuff! I just hope that tomorrow is much better than today, in terms of getting work done and in terms of me eating food! (and Chelsea losing would also be a bonus).

1 comment:

beans said...

In fact, criticism tends to make some groups rather uncomfortable in modern times, they would rather we continued to proceed with our daily routines than were ever critical of what we do. Reflection is often percieved as whinging and treated with disdain. Sadness is mocked as a sign of weakness and an emotion linked with self pity.'

In my defence! (read that some other site :p )Just realised that I don't want term to end, how depressing... freak alert!